Today’s Birthday (Oct. 29)
Make amends with your inner chihuahua. You know you want to.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mushrooms do not make you bigger. That’s all in your mind.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Only Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld can endear himself to the American public by referring to himself as “Rummy.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Inspiration really has nothing to do with perspiration and neither does gaining favor with acquaintences.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Just in case you wer wondering, the answer is “sometimes.”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Being angry doesn’t intimidate people. Badgers do.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Rivers Cuomo, lead singer of the pop rock band Weezer once shaved his head to attract older women. That was a mistake.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Kick some elves for me, Libra.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
How’s that rash treating you?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
People often wonder whether there is a meaning to living. I believe I have found that reason, and it is cool.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t be angry, Capricorn, not everyone dislikes you. Just your immediate family.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What are those things that dangle at the end of fishing lines? What are they called? Oh yeah, worms. That’s what I’m seeing for you today. Lots of worms. With little beady eyes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Look in the mirror, Pisces. That’s right. Now just keep looking. Now where did you put your wallet?
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard