Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 21)

Some birthdays, it just doesn’t pay to read your horoscope. This is one of those days, Libra.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

If there is a large stack of newspapers outside your door, it most likely doesn’t mean that the paper boy has the hots for you, but rather, you’re a dirty slob.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Remember that the “just say no to drugs” campaign is a product of Nancy Reagan.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Maintaining a personal shrine to Beyonc퀌� Knowles does not make you “bootylicious.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Sea urchins are known to sting, as is cancer. Think about that, you flog-happy ghoul!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Being the King of Pain didn’t work for Sting, and it won’t work for you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Sometimes it’s good to get out of the house. Sometimes it’s good to disregard your usual personal hygine habits. Never is it a good idea to do both.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

How many times do I have to remind you, just because your name ends with an “ing” does not make you a transitive adverb.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When Ashton Kutcher shows up at your house half-naked with a bottle of Stoli, don’t flatter yourself by thinking he’s there to see you. He probably just forgot where he lived.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

No one will ever “do you proud,” Sagittarius. Not even Vin Diesel.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Farting on cue isn’t a talent, regardless what ABC says about Jimmy Kimmel.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Current scientific research proves that splicing your own DNA with that of a bat would neither give you Daredevil-like sonar abilities, nor viable wings.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know, there’s probably a reason why no one has ever brought you flowers on your birthday. And that reason is that you are a sonuvabitch.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard