Today’s Birthday (Oct. 22)
On your most illustrious of celebratory days, this, your birthday, think about this: do turtles ever feel sad?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Without a doubt. You will never be featured on Jennifer Lopez’s talk show.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
When you sometimes feel blue, does it feel you back? That might be a sign.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Kicking elves is not a past-time. Because elves are not real.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Be careful, dude. Be careful.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When a roomate moves out, it’s a sad, sad affair. When he takes your pants, it’s even sadder.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
People like to eat candy. Sometimes they like to be candy. How many licks does it take to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, Virgo? The world may never know.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
High-strung hijinks abound in your future, Libra, hijinks that will involve a salamander.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When changing lattitudes, one should never also change attitudes (see Jimmy Buffett).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Call your brother.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Sporting a mullet is not an act of rebellion. Nor is congregating with other mullet-wearers a “social revolution.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What the hell does Ikea mean? I mean, really.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’re never getting into my house again, no matter how badly you need to use my fingernail clippers.
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard