Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (April 30)
No one wants to play hide and seek in your pants. Stop asking.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re like poetry in bronze form.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Litmus this!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Fire in the disco! Yes, they’ll go as far as burning the place downto never have to watch you dance again.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your map to houses of the stars will not lead you to God, but maybeyou can just start stalking Goldie Hawn instead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Storing pencils in your bra/bro is no way to live.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Being Swedish isn’t all bad. It kind of rhymes with beingrelish.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I saw your exposed boobie at the courthouse. Shameless Libra.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There is no consolation prize at the end of the rainbow. Unless youcount the mutilated corpse of a leprechaun.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Remember these words of wisdom: If you keep licking your lips,however innocently, the bald man in the velvet track suit acrossthe bar will pick up your tab.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A career as an Oompa Loompa is not out of the question. Stock up onorange face paint now.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Playing the guitar with your teeth is not an alternative to seeinga licensed dentist.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard