Dealing with drunks

Not everyone drinks. It’s a fact of life. It is also a fact of life that if you are attending college, a lot of people do drink. Actually, it’s probably true that someone you know, or are friends with, is drunk right now (and it doesn’t matter what time of day you’re reading this).

So in a world full of drinkers, what does a non-drinker (such as myself) do? Well, you could hang out exclusively with other non-drinkers. This option is possible, but limiting, because, unless you go to BYU, chances are the majority of the people around you like swilling “uncle alky.” It’s best not to limit your friendships on such an arbitrary or stupid squabble and learn to get along and, yes, even enjoy the company of your intoxicated friends.

There are the two ways to do this. One is to take the path of the “Sober Buddy,” the person who helps their friends have a better time. The second is that of “Angry McDouche,” who gets enjoyment out of fucking around with the momentarily impaired in their life. People who follow this path will soon find themselves without many friends.

The path of the Sober Buddy

The lean-in: It will inevitably happen, because drunk people are often “friendly.” Your personal space will be invaded. The Sober Buddy way of dealing with this is to just accept it. It may be uncomfortable, but your best bet here is to just guide your oblivious drunken cohort away from you. Making a scene will only result in more problems.

Awkward nudity: Nakedness is a sometimes awesome, sometimes decidedly unawesome adventure at parties. If you aren’t friends with the naked person in question, sit back and enjoy the show, because this train wreck is just beginning. But, if your friend is the naked person in question, do your best to persuade them to get their clothes on (unless they’re usually the nudist type). Or do nothing, because nudity is not really a party foul.

Vomitus: If a friend says to you before the beginning of the night that they “totally don’t vomit anymore,” they are lying. The same goes if they say, “I never throw up when I drink _____” (where blank is some sort of drink, i.e., whiskey). It might be true that they’ve never thrown up before, but tonight will be the night that they do. It’s partying law as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, hopefully they aren’t so drunk that they might drown in their own vomit, but if they are make sure they are sleeping on their side. Avoiding things like puke in the hair is generally a good idea as well.

My world is tilted: Woo-hoo! Walking is now incredibly difficult. The Sober Buddy basically has to carry their friends in this situation. It sucks, but as a good friend, keeping your friends basically uninjured is a good idea. Minor scrapes and bruises never hurt anybody, though, so falling can be OK. Falling hard isn’t.

The path of the Angry McDouche (note: don’t do these things)

The lean-in: Your personal space is being violated and you are pissed. Now is the time to pick a fight with the guy who is probably just being friendly. Start throwing down (hopefully while Earth Crisis’ “Firestorm” is playing). Be careful, though: some drunken dudes can take a punch like no other. For the non-violent, but still angry types, make the encounter as awkward and hostile as possible by suggesting sexual harassment.

Awkward nudity: The Angry McDouche always encourages nudity. If someone removes their socks, egg them on to “get those titties out.” Even if they aren’t that hot, the Angry McDouche still encourages nudity, because this type of person has a camera and isn’t afraid to use it. Blackmail is the name of the game here, mainly just because it is a really, really mean thing to do.

Vomitus: Vomiting is funny and the Angry McDouche is the type of person who loves it. Encourage weird combinations of drinks, or the consumption of raw foods. Nothing goes better with vodka than a raw egg and hot sauce, right?

My world is tilted: At the end of the night, when most people are well on their way to falling over, the Angry McDouche suggests a touch football game. If other people don’t want to, pretend you don’t hear them and immediately tackle them. With any luck, the whole group will start tackling each other and the Angry McDouche’s work is done. Skip the trip to the hospital; that’s the un-fun part.