Oh, Christmas. The overly decorated trees. The lies of Santa Claus imposed on innocent children. The constant, obnoxious singing. The indulgence in artificially flavored sweets. The pissed-off demonic shoppers.
Christmas is conventionally cherished as the time of year that brings out the best in everyone. For those of you who would prefer to channel your inner Scrooge for two days, however, I have composed a list of activities for you to consider. If you don’t give a flying reindeer fuck about Christmas and everything it represents, read on.
It’s Christmas Eve night, and you can already feel it. The holiday cheer is seeping in from your neighbor’s apartment. The TV blasts movies about talking deer and claymation elves enduring forced labor. The radio will not stop playing all those happy idiotic songs. You feel your annoyance begin to grow.
So what better way to cure your displeasure than by drinking? People 21 and over: Nothing says “Fuck you, Christmas” than getting plastered with friends that share your own cherished belief that Christmas fucking sucks.
You could go about expressing this belief in two ways: drinking in the comfort of your own home or raiding a bar—and then drinking.
Should you require help in creating your own fun, stop by the Rialto Poolroom Bar and Café (401 SW Alder St.). Not only will the Rialto get you drunk, you’ll be able to enjoy entertaining games of pool and pinball, watch TV and bond with the bros and girls. The Cheerful Tortoise (1939 SW 6th Ave.) provides more or less the same entertainment.
And if those don’t satisfy your expectations, the Basement Pub on 12th Avenue and the Barista on 13th Avenue will do the trick. Different bars; same crazy stories.
If you’re not yet 21, well, you’re out of luck, I’m afraid. Just drink a ton of soda. I’ve heard it has roughly the same effect. And if you don’t like either of these ideas, you should probably just go ahead and celebrate Christmas. Living on the rebellious side isn’t for everyone.
Once you’re good and drunk (or hopped up on caffeine and sugar) Christmas Eve is yours to enjoy. Stay at the bar and have fun with your friends. Play a game of strip poker at your place. Have sex. Eat chips and chocolate. Bake a cake. Walk around and make fun of all the happy people in the world. Parkour the shit out of Portland. Go back to your home and have a scary-movie marathon, or any movie marathon other than a Christmas-themed one.
On Christmas Day, you’re either going to have a killer hangover, wake up really late or both. But as a great man once told me: Those are the signs of a good night.
Make a pit stop at the Clinton Street Coffeehouse, a.k.a. K&F (2706 SE 26th Ave., at Clinton Street), when you can summon the strength and order something strong. Then make your way back to your bed for recovery. You don’t want to go out into society, as Christmas will be in full swing. If you’re feeling like a hard-ass, though, you could hit up the same bars around 5 p.m. and initiate round two of your jolly “Fuck Christmas” nights.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. In fact, it’s my favorite holiday, and I will be celebrating.
So while you’re out partying Christmas Eve, I’ll be wrapping presents, watching Elf and drinking peppermint hot cocoa. If I do happen to step outside for some air, though, I hope to catch you stumbling on the sidewalk with the Vanguard stuffed under one arm and your passed-out friend under the other. Then I will know that I’ve done my job.
Merry Christmas.
