Found at last! Elusive WMDs

Editor’s Note: Technically, the below-mentioned weapons are only minimally destructive when compared with grander weaponry, i.e. laser-guided missiles, fast-acting Ebola virus and most shellfish at Red Lobster. But do not be fooled, dear reader; these contraptions are very dangerous! The Vanguard does not endorse people playing with these dangerous toys and illegal explosive devices, and upon further investigation, neither does the author’s mother, Petula Carroll, who seemed concerned that her son would lose an eye, therefore making things “less fun.” In fact, the author had to dictate this piece as he had blown off all of his fingers over the weekend in some sort of “fertilizer accident.” Think about that before you play with your cherry bombs!

1938 Daisy Red Rider
Forever sealed into the lore of legend by Ralphie Parker in 1983’s “A Christmas Story,” the Red Rider has been shooting suspecting eyes out with holiday cheer since before World War II. This steady classic remains the only B.B. gun you will ever need. It can break glass with one pump (very important) but you can still shoot your friends with it. Somehow this tiny cannon holds 650 BBs within its low-velocity death chamber and shoots 280 feet per second.

I can say from my own and Ralphie’s experience that nothing good has ever come from this product. Also, I would like to use this space to publicly apologize to that cyclist under the Ross Island Bridge last week. I’m sorry. It was an accident of pure chance.

A Hollywood favorite, the Red Rider has made semi-recent cameos in Harmony Korine’s “Gummo” and Wes Anderson’s “The Royal Tenenbaums.”

The Works bomb
Quick, someone call the Terrorism Task Force, for the lowly college news rag is listing bombing ingredients within its thin, under-advertised, leftist leaves. So here’s what you’ll need to make a semi-harmless noise bomb (I say semi because the two-liter bottle once chased me around a tennis court upon detonation): some heavy-duty cleaning solvent (preferably The Works brand), a two-liter bottle and some tin foil. Mix the solvent with wadded up balls of foil inside the bottle, screw the cap on tight, shake it up, get at least 20 feet way and… BOOM.

Bored at work weapon
This homemade slingshot is the perfect comic relief for bored baristas or deli workers. Cut the mouth off of a plastic juice bottle and snip off the top of a finger from a rubber glove. Line the cut edge of the finger around the bottle mouth with the finger end inside the bottle remains. Tightly screw the cap over the finger. Voila, a coffee bean cannon.

M16A4 electric machine gun
Um, this is a battery-powered laser scope BB gun that shoots 400 plastic rounds per minute at 170 feet per second. Where was this when I was 11 years old? We were tying steak knives to branches and throwing them as spears while fighting over the conch. So don’t tell me this is dangerous or that it sends the wrong message. Kids need this kind of thing to keep them out of the cutlery drawer. Society, after all, must evolve.