From Shiv to Shank
Measure 31: Candidate Death “The John AshcroftMeasure”
Would amend state constitution to allow the postponement of anelection if a candidate died.
Pro: This measure would reduce the chances of any candidatewho lost to a dead man later being appointed the Attorney Generalof the United States.
Con: It’s a stupid idea.
Measure 32: Mobile Homes “The Double-WideDefamation Measure”
This legislative referral would remove the derogatory andconfusing term “mobile home” from the state constitution, where,strangely enough, it appears.
Pro: Allows a future amendment to replace the term”mobile home” with the more accurate and appropriate term “aluminumlove den.”
Con: Guests on the Jerry Springer Show and gypsies willnow be able to legally refer to their trailers as “my primaryresidence.”
Measure 33: Medical Marijuana “The Pot For ProfitMeasure”
Broadens Oregon’s preexisting Medical Marijuana law, allowingpatients to buy and sell the bud. You know, like in highschool.
Pro: As President Bush has suggested: this is totallyjust a “backdoor” step towards legalizing the dank devil weed.
Con: Your high school pot dealer, Toast Von Bongloaden,will be forced to hock his black light and his collection of PeterTosh LPs as Big Brother brings the regulation to the sweetleaf.
Measure 34: State Forests “The 50% Tree-HuggerMeasure”
This measure, written on 100% recycled paper, would limitlogging in Oregon’s state forests by 50%, leaving the other 50%open for sustainable harvest.
Pro: Everybody likes trees, right?
Con: As far as we know, trees don’t like you. Given thechance, they would squash you like a bug. They must be stoppedbefore they kill again.
Measure 35: Medical Malpractice “Save InsuranceCompanies From Bankruptcy Measure”
This measure would protect insurance companies from feelingobligated to do what it is they claim they do: insure.Unfortunately, it won’t protect doctors from those same insurancecompanies’ rapidly increasing malpractice premiums.
Pro: Thankfully, Dr. Giggles will finally be able toafford to go back into business.
Con: The average payout on the loss of a human life willdrop to $2.50, less than a pack of cigarettes.
Measure 36: Same-Sex Marriage “The God Hates FagsMeasure”
Finally, a measure that blends theological rhetoric withconstitutional law just so a handful of homophobes can feelconfident that they are the only ones practicing anal sex andcunnilingus in the bonds of matrimony. Just in time forChristmas!
Pro: Jesus fucking Christ, people! Even Dick Cheneythinks you’re a bigot, and that guy is an asshole!
Con: Homosexuals would have to find new and interestingways to live in sin.
Measure 37: Property Compensation “The Let’s GiveIt One More Shot Measure”
This bastardized version of Measure 7, which was passed byOregon voters in 2000, but was knocked down by the Oregon SupremeCourt would yet again trump the state’s authority in enforcingland-use policy and pay out the scratch to a bunch ofLibertarians.
Pro: From outside of the Spin Zone(tm): Some bloodsuckingOregonians have been trying to bankrupt this state for a long time.This measure would finally do that. They also want to eat babies.And they’re terrorists. *
Con: Oregon is already broke and ineffectual. All we haveleft is our coveted land-use policy. Leave well enough alonealready, you greedy fucks!
Measure 38: SAIF Corporation “The No One is SAIFMeasure”
This measure, sponsored by Boston-based Liberty Mutual, isintended to eliminate the state-owned SAIF Corporation, whichhandles Oregon’s workers comp claims, most likely in an effort toplease their shareholders and make some cheddar.
Pro: It’s about time that some New England Old Money gotits hands on some Tillamook cheese.
Con: While SAIF could use an overhaul, handing overgovernment responsibilities to corporate entities has long provensuccessful. Just ask Enron and Halliburton.
*The opinions contained within “From outside of the SpinZone(tm)” may or may not be inflammatory, argumentative, orpossibly, even totally erroneous, coincidentally, much like FoxNews.
