From Shiv To Shank

George Bush: 8 shivs

We’ve got to hand it to him, whatever this man touches turns toruin. Funny, funny, hilarious ruin.

Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld: 4 shivs

The only man who can claim he should be the former Secretary ofDefense. Rummy enjoys kayaking, Kenny Loggins and job security whenhe is not busy committing genocide.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: 7 shivs

The second Austrian in history to win a political election onforeign soil, this former Terminator and future president hasproven that you don’t have to be born a Kennedy to be amisogynist.

Paris Hilton: 2 shivs

This second-rate hotel heiress gave new meaning to the term”staying in the Paris Hilton.”

 The FCC: 4 shivs

To use words of the eloquent John Kerry, “these are some of  the most corrupt motherfuckers I’ve ever seen.”

 Jim Francesconi: 2 shivs

This activist-turned-million-dollar-bureaucrat puts the “anal”in the “banality of evil.”

Portland Police: 3 shivs

Every time you think they’ve learned their lesson, they go andshoot another unarmed motorist over a minor traffic violation.

 Wal-Mart: 2 shivs

Apparently it’s not enough to decimate small businesses andprice-fix entire industries. This clandestine corporate behemoth isintent on union-busting, content-censorship and offering you thedamn best deal in town on a blood-soaked DVD player.

 PSU: 6 shivs

This “up-and-coming” state school could rename itself “PoorState University” and nary a student would notice, barely beingable to read after two years in the University Studies program.

 Meat: 4 shivs

It was a banner year for carnivores. With Mad Cow disease, AsianBird Flu and astronomical mercury levels in fish, meat is no longermurder. It’s murderous.

 John Kerry: Shiv Rookie of the Year

If John Kerry wins in November, he will be shivved every week asthe new president. If he doesn’t, he will be the butt of every jokefor years to come. Winning this election should be like takingcandy from a baby, an evil, evil baby.

Mark Kroeker: Lifetime Achievement Shiv

When this notorious crybaby resigned his position as PortlandChief of Police, we thought we weren’t going to be able to make funof the Portland police again. Then they shot another unarmedmotorist.

 Wellesley College Girls: Best Sportsmanship Shiv

We write a lot of jokes. Some of them are funny, most of themare not, but they are all cruel. These Shakespeare nerds respondedto our shiv with all of the humor that Shakespeare nerds canmuster.