From Shiv to Shank

•  The world’s second-richest man and Monopolychampion, Bill Gates, was fined $800,000 by the U.S. JusticeDepartment for improper notification of an investment when hepurchased more than $50 million in Icos Corp securities.Reportedly, Gates was unphased by the fine. “I’ll write it off asphilanthropy,” he squealed from inside a giant silver thimble. “Youknow you can write that off your taxes.”

•  New Jersey investigators have seized a pair ofCalvin Klien briefs that once belonged to Michael Jackson pursuantto requests made by Santa Barbara detectives who are building asexual assault case against Jackson. Santa Barbara officials areexpected to run DNA analysis on the underwear, which they believemay contain remnants of the King of Pop’s very own “Jesus juice.”Jackson, who recently fired his defense team, is now claiming thathe is not responsible for the bad-touching; instead, top U.S. Armybrass in Iraq forced him to strip down and simulate sex acts andfeed alcohol to an underage boy at pain of electrocution.

•  U.S. contractor, Thomas Hamill, made a run forfreedom in Iraq after being held hostage for three weeks. He washiding in a mud hut when he heard an army convoy nearby. A soldierat the scene recalled, “he was yelling, ‘I’m an American, I’m anAmerican POW!” Unfortunately, the soldiers only heard the words”POW” and had stripped down Hamill and written obscenities all overhis body before they realized that he was white.

•  British researchers say they can grow newteeth from stem cell technology. After hearing the news, five loneBritons threw out their toothbrushes and the rest of the islandnation vowed never to buy one.

•  Northwest “Pearl district” hip-hop club Fuelwas the first bar to be charged with violating the city ofPortland’s new “Time, place, manner” ordinance. If Fuel does notcomply with the requests of community members and the OLCC, thelocation could be forced to shut down at 11 p.m. The process wasinitiated by neighbors who were appalled by such rare downtownoccurrences as loud music, talking, and littering on their streetafter 10 p.m. Now word yet on when the new ordinance will beapplied to the Central Library.