From Shiv to Shank

•In the wake of the release of the adult Happy Meal,McDonald’s CEO Jim Cantalupo, 60, died of a heart attack.Apparently his only crime was “lovin’ it” too much.

•Cosmetics superguru, Estee Lauder, died over the weekendof cardiopulmonary failure. Lauder will be remembered forrevolutionizing the makeup industry by being the first to give outfree samples and gifts to consumers. Her funeral will not beattended by the millions of bunny rabbits that received “freesamples” over the years.

•Last Friday, a grand jury failed to indict officer JasonSery in the fatal shooting of James Perez. Apparently being a blackman pulled over for a routine traffic stop in north Portland isn’ta fatal offence, but being a black man pulled over in a routinetraffic stop in north Portland with a cell phone is. No word yet onwhen officer Sery will receive a medal for pulling his gun in theline of duty.

•Criminal charges of sexual and physical abuse have beenfiled against six members of the 372 military police companyoverseeing Abu Ghraib, an Iraqi prison. Apparently these brilliantsoldiers videotaped themselves forcing Iraqi prisoners to disrobeand form a human pyramid, simulate sex acts on one another andbalance on top of things at the threat of electrocution.Unfortunately, it would seem that the U.S. Army is not onlybringing democracy to Iraq, but also one of its leaders’ greatesttraditions: frat boy hazing. No word yet on the location ofGeronimo’s skull.

•Yesterday, President Bush and Vice- President Cheneytestified before the congressional 9/11 commission during aclosed-door, un-tape-recorded, question and answersession—sans questions, as mandated by our great leader.Post-answer session, the President was giddy. “That wasn’t so bad,I’m not sure why I put that off for 18 months. Oh yeah, thedocument shredding… There was some unpleasantness.” While 9/11commissioners walked away from “the incident” looking morehorrified than usual, one commissioner was overheard saying, “I’venever seen a grown man sitting on the lap of a corpse before.” Towhich the other replied, “I didn’t know you could bounce post-rigormortis.”

•Graduating seniors at Villanora University were outragedto learn that Caroll Spinney, the actor who portrays Big Bird onSesame Street will be this year’s commencement speaker.Subsequently, Kermit the Frog has cancelled his college speakingtour that was slated to begin June 3 at Harvard.

•The FCC has fined a Miami Spanish language radio station,WXDJ, $4,000 after two morning radio hosts, Joe Ferrero and EnriqueSantos, crankcalled Fidel Castro impersonating Venezuelan PresidentHugo Chavez. When the DJs broke character, calling Castro anassassin, the Cuban dictator shot back with a long string of cusswords on the air. In light of his new obscene persona, Castro isexpected to become the most loathed personality in U.S. culturesince Janet Jackson, who took the title from Castro during theSuperbowl half time breast fiasco. When asked about regaining histitle, the foul-mouthed communist was quoted, ” Fuck Janet Jackson!Has the CIA ever tried to fucking kill muthafuckin’ Janet Jackson?FUCK NO, PUENTA!”

shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv, blade; later Prison Slang] aknife, esp. one used as a weapon, or formed by the sharpening of aspoon.

shank (shank) n. 1. a projection or wire loop on somebuttons that which they are sewn to fabric. 2. [Prison Slang] aknife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of a spoon.