From Shiv to Shank

Elia Kazan, the influential filmmaker and noted coward, died Sunday at the age of 94. He will be remembered for such films as 퀌�On the Waterfront,퀌� 퀌�A Streetcar Named Desire,퀌� and also for being a fink! Fink! FINK! FINK!

The Oregon Liquor Control Commission (OLCC) continued its occupation of Oregon unabated by ordering its storm troopers to crack down on underage drinking at college campuses around Portland. It has already citied 40 minor-in-possession (MIP) violations over the month of August, overpopulating the detox centers of this fair city. The French Resistance is expected to retaliate.

Arnold Schwarzenegger declared himself Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The proposed federal do-not-call list was overturned by an Oklahoma City court as being unconstitutional, under violation of the First Amendment. After the ruling, overjoyed telemarketers called their spouses, their children, their mothers, their fathers, their neighbors, their neighbors퀌_ neighbors, and their neighbors퀌_ neighbors퀌_ parents, and tried to sell them a vacuum cleaner.

Just as the recent California deregulation of power has shown, the new Portland State University financial aid system continues to prove that the private sector is totally inept.

On Monday, leading House and Senate Democrats 퀌_ and Republicans 퀌_ launched an investigation after finding the intelligence used by the Bush administration to sell the American people on a recent unnamed war was found faulty, while subsequently, President Bush ordered Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge to add Congress to the infamous 퀌�Terrorist Watch List.퀌�

A new Florida law prohibiting exhibition and profiteering off of suicide was enacted Monday to undermine a live performance by the unknown and poorly named rock band Hell On Earth. During the Oct. 4 performance in Ft. Lauderdale, a terminally ill member of the Euthanasia Society was scheduled to kill him- or herself while also qualifying for the 퀌�Guinness Book of World Records퀌� most unsavory publicity stunt. Subsequently, all Democratic presidential candidates were forced to cancel their Florida appearances.

UPDATE – Arnold Schwarzenegger reiterated that he was, in fact, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that he was running for governor of California.

shiv (shiv) n. [Romany chiv, blade; later Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one used as a weapon, or formed by the sharpening of a spoon.

shank (sha(k) n. 1. a projection or wire loop on some buttons b which they are sewn to fabric. 2. [Prison Slang] a knife, esp. one formed by the sharpening of a spoon.