Get on your knees and crawl

by Molly Ozier and Ellie Bradley

Portland is known for its per-capita strip club statistics. In a city with clubs to fit any fancy, we thought we’d make a few suggestions to wet your appetite. If you’ve got a stack of ones burning a hole in your pocket, crawl along the path we’ve created. Overly ambitious tippers might want to choose a single destination to blow their load…of single bills. All clubs are accessible by public transportation from campus, though you might want to save some of that paper for a cab ride at the end of the night.

Stop 1: Mary’s Club
Mary’s has been in biz for 45 years and was the first nude club in Portland. Although it’s a city staple, the dazzling dancers are somewhat overshadowed by clouds of bitterness and regret. The small stage holding a jukebox and single pole serves as a spotlight in an otherwise dark and dingy club. The ladies are short from talentless; with clearly trained yogis as dancers, their flexibility is something to talk about. Through thick tips and thin fishnets, proud Mary’s keeps on rollin’.
Fun fact: Courtney Love met Kurt Cobain here, where she danced under the name of “Michelle.”

Stop 2: Club Rouge
Located in the heart of downtown, the feel of this club is anything but divvy. Priding itself on a high-end reputation, Rouge enforces a dress code and cover charge but displays a wide variety of dancers in exchange. Featuring three stages (including one that’s caged!), Rouge has plenty to offer for your viewing entertainment. One question remains: Is Portland ready for such a chic club in a notoriously alternative city?
Fun Fact: Trail Blazers have been known to make it rain at Rouge.

Stop 3: Dante’s
Behind the illustrious Keep Portland Weird sign is Dante’s. Normally a mecca for leather-jacket wearing rock fans, Dante’s also has a kinky side. Their calendar includes events like The Story of Oh! An Evening of Fetish Exploration and performances by the Sinferno Cabaret. While this might not be hard-core enough for the full-frontal enthusiast, it’s a great destination for those desiring a more theatrical environment.
Fun fact: Sinferno is Portland’s longest-running cabaret.

Stop 4: Spyce/Golden Dragon
While not at the top of the list for must-see spots, these clubs are both within stumbling distance of the Old Town bars. When you lack the mental acuity to organize your group and herd them to a cross-town titty bar, both Spyce and Golden Dragon are a worthy substitution. Golden Dragon allows patrons 18+ but doesn’t serve alcohol. Save this one for a night out with the minors or a break between watering holes.

Stop 5: Union Jack’s
Heading across the bridge seems to be the trick for getting a little more action. Union Jack’s lounge feels like a mix of old Vegas-meets-Grandma’s basement. This is where you’ll find the locals spreading their love. Jack’s prides themselves in employing a wide range of professional dancers for your viewing pleasure. The faint-of-heart can take in shows from the bar or the back rows of theater-style seating. The prime real estate is reserved for those prepared to make it rain.
Jack’s philosophy: “We believe that people come from all walks life and it is our privilege to create an environment where people can be themselves.”

Stop 6:Sassy’s
As you walk into Sassy’s and notice the wood panelling, you’ll feel as though you’ve stepped into a modern day saloon. Whether you’re there to watch the diverse talent of dancers or grab a beer with some compadres, Sassy’s is the place to please a mixed crowd. Slightly funhouse-esque with it’s walls of mirrors and stripper acrobatics, the upbeat vibes of Sassy’s welcome strip club newbies.
Fun fact: The nether-bush is alive and thriving within Sassy’s walls.

Stop 7: Lucky Devil Lounge
With red velvet walls decked out in retro posters of ladies dressed as sexy devils, you’ll definitely feel lucky when you step into this joint. Brought to you by the same guys who own Dante’s, Sassy’s and Devils Point, they know exactly what kind of apples to pluck for their stages. These dancers come with a devilish side, featuring nipple piercings and tatted up bods.
Fun fact: The Lounge is currently hiring. No experience necessary.

Your pleasure is just an Uber ride away.

These clubs aren’t as easily accessible by bus or MAX, but they are essential threads in the PDX-erotica tapestry:

Casa Diablo:
“The Infamous Vegan House of Sin,” this iconic vegan strip club features dancers with names like Danka, Apple and Moxie. If you’re looking for some freaky deaky girl-on-girl, these dancers won’t disappoint. Not only will they prove their dance moves are worth every tip, but their hands will make your pants tighter than you ever thought possible.
Fun fact: On the morning of Black Friday, Diablo offered discounted lap dances at the juicy price of $0.59. When word of this spread, a riot broke between patrons who were not-so-patiently waiting. Take your Birkenstocks, leave your weapons.

Their bricks aren’t the only thing that’s exposed. Locally owned, Stag was designed to provide a better venue for Portland’s gay scene. Set in a early 1900s space in the Pearl, lodge-style decorations set a backdrop for dudes with moves. Whether you indulge in cocks or booze on the rocks, you’re bound to be left drooling.
From the club: “Providing a supportive, inclusive environment for Portland’s LGBTQ community is foremost in the minds of Stag PDX’s founders. The intimate setting allows for the highest quality in customer service and the cultivation of relationships between Stag PDX and its patrons, and members of the community.”

This one’s for the girls and boys, queers, polys, swingers, trans and any other identifier you can think of. Crush is known for inclusiveness, hosting events for a range of fancies and fantasies. From BDSM meet & greets to Boylesque reviews, Crush provides a safe and welcoming space to get yo’ freak on.
Fun Fact: Crush hosts Bi-Bar every second Tuesday of the month. From Crush: “This is an event to create Bi/Pan/Fluid/Queer (BPFQ) community and visibility so don’t miss out!”

Acropolis Steakhouse:
If you’re looking for a great steak with a side of boobies, Acropolis Steakhouse is the club for you. Sure the women are mouthwatering, but the $6 eight-ounce sirloin will leave you begging for more…not to mention the $4 steak bites. Everything about this place will make you say “yum.” Whatever you’re hungry for, you’re sure to leave A-crop satisfied.
Fun fact: It’s rumored that a Vanguard staffer once made $60 outside of this unscrupulous institution.