Globe trouncing

Best Picture, Drama: "The Aviator"
"Hotel Rwanda" should have won. But since it’s about a terrible genocide to which the world reacted much too late and the film community refuses to recognize the genius of Don Cheadle, the award went to a movie about Howard Hughes’ glory years. OK, if you end your movie like Scorsese did, right before Hughes goes off the deep end, he seems like a flawed but interesting guy. But skip ahead a few years and Hughes is living in a plastic bubble to protect himself from non-Aryan germs and trying to buy Las Vegas. Not so romantic anymore, now is he?

Actress, Drama: Hilary Swank, "Million Dollar Baby"
Imelda Staunton should have won for her portrayal of a working class woman who performs abortions for young women who can’t afford them in Mike Leigh’s "Vera Drake." And she wouldn’t have thanked her sparring coaches if she had won.

Actor, Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, "The Aviator"
Leo, I saw you on the cover of Parade magazine declaring you wanted an "authentic life." Hey, my life’s pretty authentic, wanna switch? You can ride the bus and take out student loans and I’ll date Gisele Bundchen and fend off the paparazzi. Deal?

Anyway, Don Cheadle should have won.

Best Picture, Comedy or Musical: "Sideways"
God is in heaven and all is right with the world.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical: Annette Bening, "Being Julia"
Wow, I didn’t like one performance on this list. But since Ashley Judd and Emmy Rossum shouldn’t have even been nominated and Renee Zellweger now uses awards as doorstops, my vote goes with Kate Winslet for dyeing her hair orange and looking so much less Kate Winslet-like in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical: Jamie Foxx, "Ray"
As much as I liked Paul Giamatti in "Sideways," Jamie Foxx with Ray-Bans on is Ray Charles, period, end of story.

Supporting Actress and Actor: Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, "Closer"
Natalie Portman and Clive Owen were the only two good things about "Closer." Natalie Portman has been exploding my expectations since "Garden State," and Clive Owen, well, he’s good in everything.

Screenplay: Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, "Sideways"
The script for "Sideways" was boring, pretentious and unfunny. Psych.

Best Director: Clint Eastwood, "Million Dollar Baby"
OK, I get it. Clint Eastwood is a good director. He makes quiet but powerful movies about the lives of ordinary people. Now give Alexander Payne the award. He makes quiet but powerful movies about the lives of ordinary people too. But his are also funny.

Take that, "Pale Rider."