I’m willing to bet that most of us have heard the saying “nice guys finish last” and the modern rewrite “nice guys finish last because they make sure their women come first.” The second part of this statement is true; however, there needs to be an addendum to it. Please insert “for the right reasons” at the end of the phrase.
“What do you mean?” you may ask. To which I say: there are many men who make women orgasm for the sole purpose of bragging rights, and this is not cool at all. I’ve overheard their idiotic conversations, and I’ve seen their moronic Facebook posts. In short, work hard to make women orgasm because you like them and want them to enjoy themselves.
Before we get too far into this editorial, I would like to say that this article is geared towards men. This is because, frankly, I’ve never met a lesbian who didn’t already know all of the things I’m about to say, while I have met plenty of men who do not.
First, and perhaps most importantly, guys, do not just jackhammer away and expect your lady friend to suddenly experience a world-shattering orgasm. Or any orgasm, as it turns out. A study by Harvard University showed that 75 percent of women do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse. I think that bears repeating. Only a quarter of women can reliably orgasm from vaginal intercourse. The study showed that penis size, duration of sex, skill in bed and emotional closeness had no effect on how often women experienced orgasm. The same study also showed that 50-67 percent of women fake orgasms. I suspect there was a lot of overlap between these women and the ones whose lovers just flop on top of them and expect it to be good enough.
Therefore, guys, usage of your fingers and tongue should come standard; vibrators are also wonderful helpers in that regard. Whether you use a toy or go au naturale, provide some sort of clitoral stimulation and take your time. Don’t mono-focus on the clitoris, but give it plenty of attention. And for god’s sake, be gentle with it. Don’t be afraid to ask what she likes—you may be surprised or learn something new. Besides, what women want is as varied as women, so asking can’t hurt.
On a related note, be supportive. As a man, I didn’t really realize until fairly late that many women suffer from self-esteem issues revolving around their vaginas.
While completing my undergrad work at Oregon State University, I saw a production of The Vagina Monologues and that really made me realize how self-conscious women often are about their vaginas. Similarly, last week I skimmed a book alleging to be a how-to guide for giving women orgasms; the entire book was effectively “ladies, you are beautiful, just relax and let it happen.” I was both disappointed by the lack of variety of content and rather forcefully reminded of how common sexual self-esteem problems can be.
Guys, be kind, relaxed and attentive, and work to make your partner(s) orgasm as much as they’d like. I’ve been told by female friends that few things make them feel as attractive as when a guy takes his time and enjoys orally pleasing them.
Now, on to the second portion of my thesis. Again, this bears repeating: work on giving your partner an orgasm because, y’know, you actually like her and want her to enjoy herself. I was standing in line once upon a time at a Circle K down in Corvallis, and my ears were subjugated the blatherings of some mega-prick, loudly yakking away about how he was such a stud for making his latest squeeze orgasm.
I’m sure some people may be thinking, “Isn’t an orgasm for the wrong reasons better than no orgasm at all?” Possibly, but that is highly contentious. I’ve had conversations with friends who talked about having orgasms with losers like the guy in Circle K, and without fail, all of them said it just really made them feel used, like they were just another conquest that the guy would brag about ( maybe loudly in Circle K).
On the topic of bragging: I get that talking about sex is fun; I enjoy talking about sex (you kind of have to to write a sex column). However, don’t kiss and tell. Yes, it’s natural to want to discuss some of the details of your sex life, and that’s fine, within reason. What counts as “within reason” definitely varies from relationship to relationship and person to person (that means you, your lady friend, and the friend(s) you are talking to), but loudly boasting about it is such an obvious “don’t do it” move that I shouldn’t have to waste the energy to say so.
Believe it or not, if you make women feel really good physically and emotionally, they are more likely to want to spend time with you in the future! Crazy, I know.
In this regard, and in general, don’t be selfish about sex. I’d also like to emphasize that during and after orgasms, both men and women are often feeling especially sensitive or vulnerable, so work extra hard to be conscientious. Taking care of your partner is a really rewarding experience in so many ways.
