Greedy bastards

This is the reason we go to college for four-plus years: giftsand a piece of paper saying we have some value beyond being a greatpiece of ass.

Cash
It depends how much we’re talking. Nana may still think a ten spotis sufficient, bless her heart, but we’re looking at, at least, ayear-long dry spot in the career market thanks to Bush’s war and aso-so GPA. Someone needs to pony up for the college-educatedbusboys. And we’re talking thousands.

A car
This is odd and very high school. Maybe a gift car is only areality in those holiday Lexus commercials or on Wheel of Fortune,but I think it happens. That whip better come with a gas cardbecause I don’t see pump prices below $2 ever again. Finally, gashas caught up with milk.

A card
Thank you, Hallmark, for all the kind words.

A house
Yep, an entire house. Oh, you’ll take over mortgage payments fromPops eventually. It may be in a neighborhood where bathtubs seemore crank and crack than butt crack, but it’ll be all yours and areal fixer-upper.

A trip to Europe
This is actually a good idea, or it was before George W. You’llneed at least a month and a couple grand or a credit card. Stay outof England unless you love rain and going broke, Paris can beover-rated and Eastern Europe is cold.

Go straight to Spain and/or Italy. Meet some non-sketchy localsand rent a scooter. Most importantly, when you come back to theStates, don’t try to tell everyone how fucked up the United Statesis and how you’re moving to Florence/Barcelona/Nice etc. We know itis, you’re not moving, and that’s terribly annoying.

Nothing
This is what I expect. The longer it takes you to graduate, theless you can expect in gifts. I should be buying gifts for myfamily at this point. Our culture is overly gifted already:Christmas, Chanukah, birthdays, weddings, showers, graduations,anniversaries, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, First Communions and parole. Ionce received a He-Man figure for finally learning to wipe my ass.I deserve nothing.