Grudge match

Is your shorty now your ex-shorty? Show them you how you feel. I hate you. I hate you too. You’re not even worth 10 songs.

Royal Trux – "Zero Duk"

Jen Herrema’s throaty growl is all over this staggering heroin rocker. Use this to remind ex-shorty that you were there when they were coming down so hard. Just listening to this song is like boning in an ashtray. Now try it for real.

N.E.R.D – "Stay Together"

I know these magic lads are responsible for nearly every deplorable radio beat we’ve suffered through for like the last five years and I know the overall theme of this burner is begging for resolution, but the core here is pure grudge. "Without you girl there were no days/ Never thought I’d speak the phrase/What the fuck just happened?"

Besides, Pharell will be catching Snoop’s toss offs before the roses arrive. The relationship never stood a chance.

Pavement – "Summer Babe"

This little indie-gem is like romantic body-armor. It’s the musical equivalent of your best friend saying, " I know she fucked you over, I saw her. Let’s smoke this bowl and listen Magical Mystery Tour." All you need is a good dose of irony and a thick cloud of MJ between you and emotional responsibility.

Jay-Z – "99 Problems"

Do I really need to explain this to you? He’s got 99 problems, but your ex-shorty isn’t one of them. Let ’em know.

Otis Redding and Carla Thomas – "Tramp"

No matter how many ways Carla tries to cut Otis down he bounces back. Let ex-shorty know they’re the one losing out. Their attempts at undermining your self-confidence are not only not working, but also making them look foolish. Do they know who you are? You are Otis mother-fucking Redding and they are like the buzzing of flies to you.

Nine Inch Nails – "Head like a Hole"

Ex-shorty could look at this hateful classic as a sign you’ve become emotionally trapped in the adolescent early ’90s. What it really means is that current ex-shorty means just as little to you as your first ex-shorty did freshman year of high school.

Portishead – "Sour Times"

This is the number one, no holds barred, melancholy grudge-fuck champion. Laying down to this track is like chewing on a light bulb. It’s the emotional equivalent of carving "Slayer" in your arm. It hurts, oh it hurts, but it’s just so good to remember you’re alive.

Arab Strap – "First Time You’re Unfaithful"

Aidan Moffat has made a career out of the minutest details of fucking over and getting fucked over. You may be bleary and slurred, but let ex-shorty know you’re not letting anything go by without scrutinizing of the grudgy-est kind.

Shellac – "Prayer To God"

Steve Albini is the kind of guy you want to hang out with after a break up. He’s the kind of guy who knows about grudges and never liked ex-shorty to begin with. Stevie wrote this little ditty after his wife ran off with another man.

"There are two people here, and I want you to kill them/ Her – she can go quietly, by disease or a blow/ to the base of her neck, where her necklaces close/ where her garments come together, where I used to lay my face…/ That’s where you oughta kill her, in that particular place/ Him – just fucking kill him, I don’t care if it hurts/ Yes I do, I want it to, fucking kill him but first/ make him cry like a woman."

(Note: Killing ex-shorty is a fucked up thing to do. Don’t. Violence is never the way to settle things. Sleeping with ex-shorty’s best friend, that’s the way to settle things.)

Bright Eyes – "A Perfect Sonnet"

If you really hate ex-shorty, I mean really hate them, then you will make ex-shorty listen to Bright Eyes.