Hairy, engaged and estranged

Hairy Situation writes:

I am a 32-year-old owner of a small company with a handful of employees. One of my employees, “Laura,” wears her hair in an extremely tight ponytail every day. I have noticed that Laura has a significantly receding hairline and thinning hair around her face, probably due to traction alopecia, a condition where hair loss is caused by overly tight hairstyles. If traction persists, the hair loss can be permanent, but it can also be halted or reversed in early stages by changing hairstyles. Many women are not aware that hair loss can be caused by tight hairstyles, and I believe that Laura may not have this information. Is there a tactful way I can share it with her?

Heya Hairy,

I’m not sure if your laser focus on one of your employee’s hair care is creepy or a symptom of small office boredom, but I’m gonna be completely honest with you because I feel like we’re that close. You seem like you’re about two steps away from pulling a full Hannibal Lecter and I for one am not digging that scalping vibe.

Why do you care if one of your employees goes bald? Vain much? Or are you projecting? Honestly, it’s kind of weaksauce if this is the most crucial thing happening in your business right now. Do you sell shampoo like that late night stuff I see made out of bee honey? I can’t imagine why you feel the need to single out this one employee unless you’re selling a shampoo mixture that is a hybrid of Lisa Frank dreams, Randian theology, and the chorus of Mr. Roboto mixed all into one.

Your only tactful way to “share” is to confess that you’ve been a legit creeper and hope that there’s nobody “Laura” can report you to in one of those business bureau things. Good luck with that! Laura, if you’re reading, your boss is a creeper. I’d at least change addresses.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru

* * *

Estranged and Happy Writes:

Any suggestions on how to tell my mother that I do not want her at my wedding? She has been a mean and manipulative alcoholic my entire life. I finally stopped talking to her about two years ago after she caused serious legal troubles for my sister. Around the same time, I graduated with my master’s degree, and she didn’t show up to the ceremony because she was too busy at an AA meeting. She emails me once in a while to say she loves me and it breaks my heart, but I don’t want to risk inviting her and have her not show up, or else show up and get drunk and vicious. She has never been able to act right at major functions. She has not given me any reason to believe that she has gotten sober and stayed sober. Please help! I haven’t even told her that I’m engaged.

Greetings Estranged,

I have taken the liberty of writing you this form letter you can send to your mother. Tell me if this helps at all. Or don’t, I don’t care. I’m not your mom.

Dear ____,
Please be informed that I, your undersigned daughter (signs name here), am getting married but I don’t want you within 500 feet of the wedding. I have hired bodyguards and they have explicit instructions to pepper spray and mace on sight. We have made sure to have mock-ups of you made in various hair styles and colors, so don’t try anything.

You are being watched.

Your Ex-Daughter ___

How does that look to you? Does it seem formal and cold enough? If your mom is more busy with AA than your master’s graduation, why do you assume she’d even show up or wants to show up at all? Were you that great a kid, honestly? Or did you slip up in fourth grade and get a really bad note on your citizenship form? I’m just saying that none of us are perfect and even if your mom is really screwed up (she sounds it!), your creepy uncle Greg is probably going to do the worm at your wedding and that’s also going to ruin it. Not psychic! I just know how weddings work.
Instead of being whiny, tell your mom you’re not interested in her drama and it’s your day. Or send the form letter. Whatever works best for you.

Hearts and Stars,
Your Advice Guru