Well, friends, he’s went an’ done it. Braving the wrath of my bosses here at the Vanguard, I waited out the weekend to see whom Dubya would nominate to be our Ambassador to the United Nations – when I probably should have been writing my piece on why the Dalai Lama is a cheap imitation of Deepak Chopra, as I’d planned (actually, I’ve never seen DL’s Chopra imitation, but I’ve heard that it’s as good as his famous “Kirk Douglas on Benzedrine,” which absolutely slays at the ashram). And guess what!? This morning, with my fresh scones and marmalade, I got served up a heaping ol’ slab of dick-tatorship…Texas style!
Yes, it’s true, and I know you’re all as delighted as I am by this news. I’ll tell you what; John Bolton is exactly what the United Nations needs right now! I’m sick to death of all this d�tente and – gag! – negotiation, these emasculated little pedants screeching on and on about “Geneva Convention this” and “war as a last resort” that.
Dubya has once more taken strong, decisive action and piddling little roadblocks like public dissent be damned! Sweeping divergent viewpoints aside as “partisan delaying tactics,” this Monday morning Bush nominated John R. Bolton – with whom I’m pleased to share two initials – as our representative to the United Nations, taking advantage of his presidential right to make “recess appointments,” while Congress is not in session. Although such appointments only stand until Congress reconvenes in the fall of 2006, we can look forward to Bolton’s firm, fair, reasoned leadership for the next 14 months or so.
Why do I think he’s the absolute tits? Just listen to Sen. George Allen, R-Va., barking back at divisive Demo attack dogs, “We do not need Mr. Milquetoast in the United Nations. We’re not electing Mr. Peepers to go there and just be really happy, and drinking tea with their pinkies up and just saying all these meaningless things…” You tell ’em, Georgie! Those fucking U.N. Ambassadors, with their tea and their fucking pinkies. Just come right out and say it, George, they’re fags, fags – callow, spineless Nancyboys, the lot of ’em, and we need a real Amurrican in the mix to straighten things out. Hell, do we want Alan Alda, or John Wayne?
I mean, seriously, why engage in something as totally gay as serious debate on this subject when we can be men and treat it like an 8th grade class election? “Bolton rocks!; he’s hella cute, and he can kick your ass, Frenchy!” Why worry about the fact that Bolton’s actions, opinions and M.O. seem to prove him laughably unfit to be anywhere near the United Nations?
From the beginning, Bolton has been a good soldier. According to the Legal Times, in 1978, he helped Sen. Jesse Helms’ National Congressional Club form Jefferson Marketing “to supply candidates with such services as advertising and direct mail without having to worry about the federal laws preventing PACs…from contributing more than $5,000 per election to any one candidate’s campaign committee.”
His views on the United Nations and International Law have been similarly cogent, “There’s no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. Secretariat Building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference,” from the NY Times, 3/30/01, and the zinger, “Over the long term, the goal of those who think that international law really means anything are those who want to constrict the United States,” from Foreign Affairs, November/December ’04.
This is the clear thinker who argued in May 2002, before the Heritage Foundation, that Cuba was using its world-class biomedical industry to produce biological warfare agents, and the man who wrote in the Wall Street Journal, on November 17, 1997, “…treaties are law only for U.S. domestic purposes. In their international operation, treaties are simply political obligations.” Sounds like just the guy to steward our national view of international agreements.
All in all, we see here clearly displayed the intelligence, professionalism and concern for the will of the American public that have come to be the hallmarks of Bush II’s regime. One can rest assured that freedom is once again on the march and if this particular freedom fighter talks about taking down buildings in downtown Manhattan and agrees with Goldwater that “extremism in the defence of liberty is no vice,” then he seems to be just the man to “solve” the United Nations.
I mean, it’s not like he’s a brutal unilateralist – he didn’t say he’d take down the entire U.N. building, he only said he’d take off 10 stories! Don’t be so damn touchy, people! After all, according to the New Yorker, U.N. staffers are taking it in stride, “He didn’t say which 10 floors he would like to see disappear. Perhaps that leaves us some room for influence.”