Holi-scopes to get you through finals and beyond

Stop what you’re doing. Listen, don’t freak out, but NASA has re-implemented the ever-so-forgotten zodiac sign called Ophiuchus. Don’t blame NASA though! The dang Babylonians are the ones that exempted it 3,000 years ago because only 12 were needed. So, what they’re really saying is, Ophiuchus Zodiac has always been there, but forgotten. Until now…

Ophiuchus (Nov. 29–Dec. 17): Welcome to the family, newbie. You may be hated by all at first (seeing that you’ve shifted everyone’s personality traits), but I have faith that you’re going to make quite the first impression and dismiss all the ridicule like a champ.

Sagittarius (Dec. 17–Jan. 20): You may have just found the one that you want, but don’t let that distract you from digging your red heels into the dirt and making them wait for you to finish…finals that is. Focus on the prize, Sag! Finishing fall term with a bang is exactly what your stressed-out self needs right now.

Capricorn (Jan. 20–Feb. 16): Okay, let’s get real, Cap. It’s been a rough one for you. The Adderall you took totally backfired and you cleaned your entire house instead of slaying your finals. But don’t fret just yet, that new moon has some brilliant beginnings waiting at your doorstep.

Aquarius (Feb. 16–March 11): It’s the age of Aquarius, indeed. Just think, soon you’ll be frolicking through a field in a white garment surrounded by all your friends and family. Let’s just hope you’re not a 40-year-old virgin.

Pisces (March 11–April 18): TIL Pisces are supposedly more intuitive than others. If that’s so true, how did you not question the fact that you might not be an Aries at all and really your true self: a Pisces? Think about it and get back to me.

Aries (April 18–May 13): Ah, the babies of the universe, the proverbial infants of zodiacs. Now stop sneaking more candies and hit the books, ya rascal.

Taurus (May 13–June 21): I know what you’re thinking, used-to-be-Geminis: “Holy hell!? This whole time I thought I had a mysterious twin somewhere in this gigantic universe, and now I’m just an ambitious, sensual, stubborn Taurus?” Pause. “Oh snap, wait. That’s totes me.” There ya go.

Geminis (June 21–July 20): Well, well. Welcome to the world of duality new Gems. I bet you weren’t expecting this change of pace. And if you were, well played. Your artistic side says fuck it, you’ve got a knack for intellects, why study for finals? But the other half of you may be raring to spark some neurons and finish big. If it were up to me, I always say go big or go home.

Cancer (July 20–Aug. 10): Let’s be honest, you never really felt like a Leo anyway. A large part of you always knew you were an introvert, definitely not an extrovert. And you never really identified with a lion. It was always a crab for you.

Leo (Aug. 10–Sept. 16): Rawr! Give me tiger! No? Fine then. I understand you’re feeling drained, ya beast, but just remember how awesome you are. You are who you are, and we wouldn’t want that any other way.

Virgo (Sept. 16–Oct. 30): Refrain from your tendencies to reject change and embrace the new you! Get yourself off that struggle bus and get on the love train. Your time to shine is now.

Libra (Oct. 30–Nov. 23): I know you’re praying for the supposed snowfall to happen and it will push back your finals, but on the downside that doesn’t happen, keep in mind it’s only a few more days, slugger. Then you’re free as a bird!

Scorpio (Nov. 23–Nov. 29): Well, only a handful of Scorps will remain the same. In the final week of November y’all should just throw yourselves a big ol’ party. But that’s really what you should do anyway seeing that it also means you’re that much closer to finals being over.