Do the holidays confuse you? Alarm you or make you nervous? Are you not sure whether to hate or embrace the red Starbucks cups, or to hate those who complain about them? Do you wish you knew how to love peppermint lattes and ugly Christmas sweaters?
If so, this list is for you, my wayward son.
DO: Rock that ugly sweater like you’re Michael Jackson in the “Thriller” video. The moms of the world may have caught on that ugly Christmas sweaters are cool now, but don’t let that slow you down. They’re still cool and you know it.
DON’T: Post on Facebook about your ugly Christmas-sweater party like it’s a brand-new phenomenon that you’re sure nobody’s ever heard about before. We’ve all been to an ugly Christmas-sweater party, MOM. This is nothing new, AUNT BECKY.
DON’T: Spend a ridiculous amount of money on a white-elephant gift. You’re doing nothing but making everybody else feel crazy uncomfortable, waving all that cash around like it’s nothing.
DO: Drink nothing but boozy eggnog, cinnamon dolce lattes and peppermint everything while you can still get it. Seriously, don’t pretend like that shit isn’t delicious. You know it is, and you only look like a fool when you pretend your taste buds are too refined for them. And speaking of cinnamon dolce…
DON’T: Ever, ever, ever complain about the red Starbucks cups. I swear, if I hear one more peep about those goddamn cups, I will absolutely unfriend you from Facebook and pretend like I don’t know you when I see you walking down the street.
DO: Pretend like you’re actually excited to see your grandmother on Christmas, even though she chain smokes and smells like diet coke and pats you on the butt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she sees you.
DO: Get thoroughly and completely schnockered on New Year’s. That’s the entire reason for the season, isn’t it?
DON’T: Drive drunk after you get thoroughly and completely schnockered on New Year’s. Uber, Lyft and various cabs are all over this city. You can also hop on a bus or the MAX. If you drive drunk, I will call your mom, and she’s going to be so disappointed in you and I know you don’t want that.
DO: Consider nontraditional holiday music. Mariah Carey’s 1994 hit Christmas album isn’t the only one out there, you know. I’m looking at you, Macy’s. There’s a lot of great holiday music out there to get your booty shakin’ and the party goin’. Mariah Carey can’t do that, can she? No, she can’t.
DON’T: Be that one friend who pretends to hate the holidays and bums everybody out. The holidays are fun and you know it.
DO: Call your parents, you self-absorbed assholes. Jesus, if you’re not going to fly across the country and visit them, the least you could do is call them on the phone. Your mom has so much love for you that she takes time out of her busy goddamn day to send you Facebook messages to check in with you. The least you could do is give her a goddamn call on Christmas morning.
DON’T: Be the hero and pretend like you can make all the turkey and ham and mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans and casserole and cranberries and apple pie and… Nobody is perfect. Nobody can reasonably do all of that on their own. Don’t pretend like you can. Divvy up the food preparations so you can actually breathe for one goddamn second.
If this list doesn’t help you, well, you’re on your own, pal.