Horoscopes for the week of May 3


May 21-June 20
Why is it that we discuss Hamlet in more than one theater class? It’s because revenge is a popular topic, which is why you’re the center of attention this week.


June 21-July 22
Have you ever considered getting a dog? They’re really good companions and are pretty good at the unconditional love thing, which is always nice.


July 23-August 22
You should consider re-reading Catcher in the Rye. It’s actually more awful than you remember, oddly enough, but it might be handy for your thesis.


August 23-September 22
Have a Snickers bar, Virgo. You always turn into William Randolph Hearst when you get hungry—more narcissist Citizen Kane and less insanely cool castle.


September 23-October 22
Have you been to the Winchester Mystery House, Libra? It’s this cool haunted place that even offers an overnight slumber party package. Time to add it to the bucket list.


October 23-November 21
Pro-tip: Always carry a towel. You never know when you’re going to become an intergalactic hitchhiker.


November 22-December 21
If you’re looking for Christian lit this week for whatever wacky reason, don’t just grab for the Chronicles of Narnia. Try the Screwtape Letters or, my personal favorite, The Great Divorce.


December 22-January 19
Having a craving this week, Cappi? One of my favorite date night restaurants is the New Orleans inspired Tapalaya. I know you’re hungry for Chinese; I just don’t have any recommendations for that.


January 20-February 18
If you haven’t done it yet, don’t bother getting that box of Dunkaroos shipped from Canada. The cookies taste stale, and nostalgia can’t save them.


February 20-March 19
Nothing interesting is going to happen to you this week. It’s a good week to dive into Life of Pi like you’ve wanted to for awhile now.


March 21-April 19
Is your life like a Jane Austen novel, Aries? Are you in a garden and amazed? Or is your best friend really good at pianoforte?


April 20-May 20
A sequel to To Kill A Mockingbird came out recently Taurus. The sequel has no bird in the title. This makes me sad as well.