The Vanguard Arts & Culture section regrets to inform you that Aaron Miles column, the “Miracle Mile,” also the name of the KPSU radio show, will not be appearing this Friday.
Miles was last seen loading up his Pinto with supplies for a research trip after his Thursday radio show. He had broadcast an open request to party with some “real people, preferably with mullets, or people with friends who had mullets. His plan was to write a highly entertaining and culturally informative piece on the phenomenon that is popularly referred to as the “mullet.”
The mullet is not a small rodent that lives in holes deep and shallow and loves tourists’ handouts.
That is a marmot and the subject of another column altogether. (note: Miles, when under the influence, often proclaims that he was “raised in a big hole by a family of marmots.” He is a strange man.
The mullet is a hairdo that can best be described as short in the front, long in the back.
Hairdresser’s know when a mullet customer comes through the door when they hear the words, “A little off the front and sides, leave the back alone.” Sometimes this is followed by the word “dude,” but only if the barber is in fact a “dude.”
Miles first stop was the town of Gresham. We heard from him late Thurday night and this is what he had to say: “I found some dudes, some mullets too. I can’t talk now, take care of my column for me.
Don’t wait up. Damn this parties off da hook!”
It was hard to hear exactly what he had to say because there was loud vintage “heavy metal” and many loud voices.
He has a common human tendency to become “lost in the moment,” so we’re not too worried yet.
Let’s just hope he makes it back with enough brain cells to write a decent column next week. Godspeed through rural Oregon Miles, our thoughts are with you as you search for the true essence of the mullet and the American way.