King Crunk

WARNING: This is satire. Don’t even think about trying these events, or you will die. For some, going out to the bar can be aggravating. Paying $4 for a well drink, sitting at a dirty table and having to listen to drunken idiots wax poetic about whatever topic pops into their tiny dinosaur brains is not everyone’s idea of a good time.

WARNING: This is satire. Don’t even think about trying these events, or you will die.

For some, going out to the bar can be aggravating. Paying $4 for a well drink, sitting at a dirty table and having to listen to drunken idiots wax poetic about whatever topic pops into their tiny dinosaur brains is not everyone’s idea of a good time. If you are someone who needs constant entertainment, here are some games you can (boozily) play with your friends.

There will be eight rounds with one drunk being eliminated each round.

You will need:

9 contestants1 designated driver (or straight-edge friend) to act as judgeBooze A massively lowered inhibitionTime to wasteGenetic disposition for alcoholism

Let the liver damage begin…and remember: Only the best can be labeled King (or Queen) Krunk.

Round one: Crazy drinksDrink meter: Zero

What night at the bar is complete without ordering some hooch? What will it be? A gin and tonic? Bloody Mary? Adios Mother Fucker? No! Those are child’s play. Try ordering a Dirty Daughter on the rocks or a Smack Attack, or maybe a Bloated Gnome straight up will be more to your liking? Haven’t heard of any of these? That’s because they don’t exist.

In this round all participants will come up with the craziest drink they can think of and attempt to persuade the bartender to make it for them. First, approach the bar loudly asking for your imaginary drink. When the bartender gives you a funny look, throw a hissy fit and demand you get your Imploding Genitalia with a twist. If they ask the ingredients in it, just start silently pointing at bottles. If you can manage to successfully order your drink and actually finish the possibly deadly concoction, you will advance.

The top eight imaginary drinks as voted by the judge will advance.

Round two: Story timeDrink meter: Two

Who loves to tell exaggerated stories more than drunks? And who doesn’t love to hear their friends expound on the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche or Bush’s international relations in between belches and excessive use of the fuck word?

This round will have the eight remaining contestants each telling a story, true or fantasy, to the judge. The top seven stories will move on, the loser will hang their head in defeat and be banished from the table, forced to play video poker by their lonesome corner. Stories will be graded on imagination, vulgarity (the grosser the better) and the number of swear words included (Oh shit! I fucking kicked ass last night motherfucker, goddamn!).

Round three: Pee-pee partyDrink meter: Four

By this time you will have to pee. It’s inevitable. Liquor will be burning and begging to break free, to unleash itself in a glorious yellow waterfall, but you can’t let it, not if you want to win. The top six contestants who can control their bladder the longest win. The first person the judge catches either sneaking off to the bathroom or with a wet stain on their pants will be disqualified. Remember, if the judge doesn’t notice that you have piss seeping down your leg, you are still in the running. Don’t let the pee stop you from partying either. Just let it flow and get your ass on the dance floor.

Round four: Jukebox attackDrink meter: Five

Confrontation is a big part about being a drunk. Alcoholics love to piss people off, and what better way to make an entire bar hate you than to subject them to an obscure Joy Division B-side while they’re trying to get their party on.

This round is judged by crowd reaction. Each contestant will pick a song on the jukebox and the five that elicit the angriest reaction from the crowd will move forward. The loser must perform an a capella version of their song for the irate mob.

Some suggestions: Any song longer than 10 minutes is sure to ruin everyone’s night. My personal favorite piss-off songs are rap skits. Those newfangled downloadable jukeboxes are great for finding horrid slow jams, not-so-rocking nu-metal, or 30-plus-minute Allman Brothers jams.

Round five: Scavenger hunt-hook-up editionDrink meter: Seven

It’s a scavenger hunt…only sketchier. This event will have the remaining five contestants scoring as many phone numbers of sexy chicks and dudes that they can in one hour. Each of the hot digits you acquire will be worth a point and bummed cigarettes are worth half a point each. The drunk with the fewest points will be eliminated and forced to hang their ugly head in shame. If you can manage to sloppily exchange bodily fluids with a stranger in the bathroom, 50 points (and numerous high fives) will be awarded.

Round six: Rock with your cock out or purr with your fur outDrink meter: Nine

How long can you rock without getting forcibly removed from the stage? This event will have four of the contestants singing their choice of bad 1980s pop. The challengers will each take turns singing a marathon session of sweaty, balls-out rock. After seven minutes of “99 Luftballons,” the crowd will be screaming for your head and it’s inevitable that your plug will be pulled, but keep on crooning. The top three who can last the longest move on. And remember to tip your karaoke jockey well or they will weep.

Round seven: Fighting wordsDrink meter: Lots

The last three contestants should be severely crunked by this point of the night, because you will now try to pick a fight with an emo or hipster…using only words. This can be dangerous, so pick your subjects wisely and try not to get killed. The key to not dying is to keep the words inoffensive, but annoying. After you spot your target (tight jeans, uncomfortable facial hair and vintage band-tees are key), approach them and start talking gibberish baby talk, blow kisses and yell excessive compliments at them (I love your cutey tushy boo boo. Who’s got a cutey tushy? You do!) will most likely piss off the normally “cool” hipster kid to the point of bursting. The first two of the remaining three to freak out a Modest Mouse fan will move on.

Round eight: Surviving the gameDrink meter: Who can remember?

You won’t be allowed in that bar for a long time after the last seven events, so for the eighth and final round, the last two stumbling, puking, sweating, possibly crying candidates must find their way home…on their own. The judge will take each of the contestants equidistant from their homes and set them free. There are no other rules other than the first to get home (alive, without riding in a cab or ambulance) wins. The complication comes with the fact that they probably will be so drunk they cannot remember their gender, but that’s OK, that’s when the fun happens.

The first one home wins the title of “King (or Queen) Krunk” and must be treated to a day of hung-over pampering by the loser.