Long live (the) Melvins

The Melvins will never die and who would want them to?

Twenty-five years after getting their start in Aberdeen, Wash., the band that has basically defined heavy, independent rock is still riffing away, weirding people out and continuing to put on one of the most consistent live shows in the business. Sure, they have almost as many ex-bassists as they do albums (21, not including EPs or live records) but they also have proved to be adaptable over time.

The Melvins are the best sludge band, the best grunge band and the best noise band. Shit, they’re one of the best rock bands. They have reinvented the yoke of plodding drums and heavy guitars so many times it’s hardly worth mentioning that bands like Tool, Isis, Boris and Nirvana all owe huge debts to the work of The Melvins. It’s like saying The Rolling Stones owe a debt to Muddy Waters.

Primary band members are guitarist and singer Buzz Osbourne—King Buzzo to you—and drummer Dale Crover. Around them, a rotating cast of musicians have come in and out. The current lineup is rounded out by bassist Jared Warren and second-drummer Coady Willis, both of Seattle expatriates Big Business.

In honor of their 25th anniversary, and because they learned it for one of those “Don’t Look Back” ATP shows, The Melvins are touring the country, playing the entirety of the seminal 1993 album Houdini with sometimes bassist Trevor Dunn. Produced in part by Kurt Cobain (a former Melvins roadie), who also contributed guitar to “Sky Pup,” Houdini perfectly combines the many sonic qualities the band explored over the years. It’s sometimes catchy, sometimes frustrating, but somehow always rewarding.

The following are 13 rules of The Melvins’ music, one for each of Houdini‘s songs. Embrace them and know true rock glory.

1. “Hooch”
Palm-muted power chords are the shit, especially in the hands of an expert like King Buzzo.

2. “Night Goat”
Sometimes things don’t make sense. Roll with it. When Buzzo sings these lyrics: “Los sitar watch out for your tails/ Like of course a timely man/ Like a hog dance/ Like a pig dare/ Mind-warp deceptor wan,” don’t stress about their implications. It’s entirely possible they don’t mean a damn thing.

3. “Lizzy”
Dale Crover hits his drums fucking hard, but he’s not afraid of underplaying if that’s what the songs need.

4. “Going Blind”
Expect weirdness. Would you put an obscure KISS cover on your first major-label album? The Melvins did. (Side-note: The best part about Nirvana blowing up is that bands like The Melvins got signed.)

5. “Honey Bucket”
Headbanging is never an ironic activity; even if a portly man in a mumu with a giant, gray afro is leading the proceedings.

6. “Hag Me”
Seven, 10 and 20 minutes are all perfectly reasonable lengths for songs. Sometimes a riff needs to carry you into oblivion.

7. “Set Me Straight”
Of course, two-minute-long songs can be good too.

8. “Sky Pup”
The Melvins are better than Nirvana.

9. “Joan of Arc”
Slow and simple wins the race.

10. “Teet“
Despite the lack of a permanent bassist, The Melvins are not just a guitar band. No matter the lineup, compositions always utilize all the sonic weaponry available.

11. “Copache”
Dancing probably isn’t an option, unless you’re on drugs.

12. “Pearl Bomb”
Yes, they’re fucking with you.

13. “Spread Eagle Beagle”
Making a list of rules about The Melvins is kind of like making a list of the Pope’s favorite sex positions: an interesting exercise but, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. As this final all-percussion noise jam proves, you either get The Melvins, or you don’t. I get The Melvins.