Lost in TV Land

As the canned laughter accompanying yet another corroded, half-baked joke on Do Not Disturb died down, I glanced dejectedly at the pile of DVDs FOX had sent for review in anticipation of its fall television lineup.

Apparently, the nonexistent studio audience didn’t even find the show that funny, seeing as the sound editor laid down the most half-assed chuckle track I’ve ever heard.

And thus began the fall television season, a period of three months marked by litmus strip type tests that last year ended more than a few friendships at the utterance of a couple sentences: “Did you see The Big-Bang Theory last night? It was soooo funny.”

So, instead of a meticulous, show-by-show examination of what you should and shouldn’t be watching to fill the vacant, lifeless hours in which you could be bettering yourself, I’m just going to take a look at what’s new. May heaven help us all. ABCLife On MarsLast season’s WGA strike hit ABC hard. As a result, the house that Mickey built has got only one new show premiering this fall on its one non-cable network. That show is Life on Mars. Adapted from the British show of the same name it tells the story of Detective Sam Tyler (Jason O’Mara, Men In Trees), a NYC cop who is hurtled back to 1973 after being hit by a car. Now he must uncover the mystery behind his time-traveling automobile accident, all while policing and surviving the mean streets of 1970s New York. This show may be interesting, despite its absurd premise. THE CWPrivilegedTwenty-three-year-old Megan Smith (Joanna Garcia, Reba) is hired by cosmetics mogul Laurel Limoges (Anne Archer, Ghost Whisperer) to be a live-in tutor for Laurel’s twin teen granddaughters. Now she’s living the high life and blah-de-blah-de-blah. Moving on.

CBSThe Eleventh HourConsider The Eleventh Hour as House meets police procedural. Dr. Jacob Hood (Rufus Sewell, The Holiday) is a biophysicist who also happens to be a special science advisor to the government. His task? Investigating (no surprise there) scientific oddities and crises. According to CBS, Hood’s passion is “to protect the substance of science from those with nefarious motives.” Adapted from a British show that lasted a grand total of four episodes, CBS is hoping this one will hit it big here stateside. And with Jerry Bruckheimer (producer of CSI) onboard to produce, don’t be surprised if next season CBS launches TEH: Miami.

FOXDo Not DisturbAll I’m going to say is that the only time I produced an audible measure of amusement was during a reference to office romances ending in murder-suicide pacts. Avoid like the plague. FOX will drop this after about four episodes anyway.

FringeProbably one of the most anticipated new shows of the fall television lineup, Fringe is billed as The X-Files meets Alias. If you’ve seen the premiere, you know its got potential. The pre-credit segment aboard a commercial airliner is pretty awesome, and definitely sucks you in. Co-creator J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias) brings the mystery of Lost to the show that deals with FBI agent Olivia Dunham’s (Anna Torv, Mistresses) immersion in the world of “fringe science” where the paranormal meets the factual. To round out the cast, Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson, Dawson’s Creek) as a troubled young genius who will assist primarily in mounting sexual tension between himself and Agent Dunham. Keep an eye on this one.

NBCKnight RiderIt’s true, K.I.T.T. returns, spruced up and sexier than ever. And with Val Kilmer’s voice. Originally Will Arnett (Arrested Development) had been tapped to offer the voice of the futuristic crime-fighting car, but couldn’t because of legal issues regarding his voiceover work for GM. That fucking sucks because it would have been hilarious to hear K.I.T.T. inform Mike Traceur (Justin Bruening, All My Children), “Michael, I’ve made a huge mistake.” Here’s hoping Traceur (the estranged son of the original Knight Rider) gets into a horrible accident and K.I.T.T. has to be reprogrammed (with Will Arnett’s voice) and the Hoff has to return to show his pussy son how shit’s done.