Love by the book

Hallmark’s own Valentine’s Day is today. Scared? You should be. Everybody hates Valentine’s Day. Single or not, it has to be the lamest day of the year. It’s an awful day where everyone’s walking around overanalyzing their non-important love lives that nobody cares about but them.

Well, just in time for the dreaded day of St. Valentine, Carina Chocano has unleashed her new book “Do You Love Me or Am I Just Paranoid?” for all of you starry-eyed lovers out there. Chocano’s book deals with the issue of dating and love from the perspective of a serial monogamist, a person who jumps from one long-term relationship right to the other.

For all of you free spirits, however, she still talks about the joys and not-so-joys of single life, such as anonymous sex and vomiting. She also attempts to draw a parallel between love and paranoia, claiming they are basically the same thing, which they pretty much are if you really think about it.

What I have completely forgotten to tell you up until this point is that this book is a joke. Kind of. Chocano claims to be satirizing that infamous embarrassment that is known as “The Rules,” the book that, in a nutshell, told women to lie and act stupid in order to marry a wealthy bachelor, much like today’s most popular and equally embarrassing television shows.

While the book does actually offer fairly decent advice – such as “stop being so picky,” and after a break up to “briefly go insane, alienate your family” – it makes it all the more readable knowing that it’s kind of a joke.

Seriously, though, the book is a fun read (well, as fun as a read can be) and at least pokes fun at the fact that we’ve all been pathetic, drunk, obsessed and pathetically drunk when it comes to dating.

Sure this book isn’t really aimed at boys, but it translates pretty well. Substituting a simple “she” in for “he” worked out well for this writer. This is especially helpful in the chapter titled “Behold the Wrong Boyfriend.” In my time, I have definitely run into “Mrs. Successful,” “The Urban Outdoorswoman” and “Mrs. Crusty.” You all know who you are.

Valentine’s Day is painful and pointless. Why not get through with a book that actually understands a little of the pain it causes. The usually non-festive holiday shouldn’t always have to involve love, a loved one, or happiness, because as Chocano points out, “you were a lot more fun to be around when you were crazy.” True dat!