Men are easy

OK class, today we are going to learn about the different levels of the female orgasm, so read carefully and take notes. Listed below are the levels of orgasmic intensity possibly attained by women, depending, of course, on alcohol consumption and energy level.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article represent those of the writer and do not necessarily those of The Vanguard or its advertisers. However, the views expressed here are based on the sexual experiences of the majority of clitoris-possessing persons on the editorial staff. Additionally, it is recommended by the writer and her supporters, that this list be posted upon the bedposts of any and every sexually curious, active, or experimental woman and her partner(s) for future reference.

Rate Your Orgasm

1. The Verge: can be described as this: “Yes! Yes! Yeah … never mind.” Round two is highly recommended.

2. The Long, Long Road to Climax: This would be the one hour trial and tribulation that ends in a sweaty but small orgasm that was not really worth your effort. In fact, after the long road all you really want to do is ice your crotch and drink some water. Keep in mind that this orgasm is usually only had with the most caring and attentive partner who is willing to spend an hour trying to please his or her mate.

3. Shower, Rinse, Repeat: This is the one where you think to yourself: “That was hot, but we had better be doing it again.”

4. What Pretty Shoes?: This is the level of orgasm that is just intense enough to keep your mind off the TV sitcom blaring in the background, or the pretty pink stilettos you saw at Nordstrom earlier in the afternoon.

5. Meat and Potatoes: Here you have your basic big O. It’s as solid good effort and a job well done. After a level 5 orgasm, a woman is usually set for the night but could go one more round if her partner is persuasive. This is the one we women like to follow with vacuuming or homework.

6. Focused, Focused, Focused: a level six orgasm marks the first time a girl is really focused on the situation she is in. She can feel every drop of sweat, every tensed muscle and every pulsating member. (Wow, I actually managed to use the term “pulsating member.” It’s been a good day.)

Please Note: Sexual encounters which are awarded a level seven or higher are usually only reachable when working with a long-term partner or one with whom a woman has a very strong emotional connection. In any event, keep in mind that first-time sex almost never reaches a level seven orgasm.

7. Coming Together: The title is fairly self-explanatory. When a couple reaches orgasm at the same time, it’s never a bad thing (though this can just be a lucky fluke of timing). Way to go, you sexual champions!

8. Multiples: Ooooh, baby, that’s hot. A word of advice from we friendly folks at The Vanguard: if you have already had two orgasms, all you have to do is keep your breathing at a steady pace and your third O will not be far behind. (For those of you who are mindless when it comes to multiple orgasms, you know you are having one when you orgasm once and orgasm a second time within a matter of seconds. They come in waves.)

9. It’s the Best: When having a ninth level orgasm, a woman usually thinks to herself, “Wow, this is the best I’ve ever had.” Until …

10. Wow, This is the Best I’ve Ever Had: First of all, let me just say that you will know when you’ve had a level ten. Don’t be fooled by the level nine. In order to reach this level of intensity, you almost surely need to be in some way emotionally connected to your partner. And secondly, you must certainly not be drunk. The level ten has been described as “sigh.” … Just don’t forget to breathe.