At least once per quarter, most college students debate whether their weekly (well, let’s not kid ourselves, daily) five (fine, eight) drinks are grounds for maybe cutting back. I had been considering this myself the morning after another “I’m only drinking on Fridays and Saturdays” pep talk didn’t quite pan out.
So let’s get down to business and have a wild night.
1. The Prefunk: Home (or a friend’s house, or maybe a shitty hotel. Use your imagination.)
Okay, I shouldn’t have to even say this if your goal is to make your tomorrow-self as miserable and confused as possible. Cheap handles of liquor should be at hand, of course.
2. Baby Steps: Rogue Hall
1717 SW Park Ave.
Because I live on campus, Rogue is usually my first stop. First of all, the fact that I can walk three short minutes from my apartment to this bar is an obvious plus. Secondly, it may be $5 for a pint of beer, but it’s delicious. At this point, taste still matters.
Really, the only time you should be drinking good alcohol on a night like this is before you get swallowed up by Portland’s bar scene. Stay for a drink or two.
3. Take it to the Next Level: Scooter McQuade’s
1321 Washington St.
I bought three shots of Jack Daniel’s, two cocktails and two beers for $14. That should be enough said, but I won’t stop there. They give generous pours. The first shot I ever bought there was so big I wondered if the bartender confused my whiskey shot with a glass of ginger ale. Plus, cheap-o boozehounds and recovering high school cheerleaders rejoice: they have Jell-O shots.
4. Go Overboard: Momo’s
725 SW 10th Ave.
Close to two MAX lines? All responsible alcoholics should be sold. Heated patio? All fellow anemics should be sold. You can get pisswater (PBR) for $2.50 or watch hipsters who take themselves too seriously drink pisswater while debating the merits of said pisswater.
5. Wave Your Hands and Say “Woooo”: Whiskey Bar
31 NW 1st Ave.
On Wednesdays they have $1 well whiskey drinks. If you’re into the EDM thing, they have DJs every week. Dancing with the crazies who run through there is most fun on a night like this. And when “7/11” comes on, try not to get so excited that you smack your friend’s drink out of her hand when Beyoncé specifically tells you to not drop that alcohol. Now I have to live with the shame of knowing Beyoncé is disappointed in me.
6. Go Ahead and Embarrass Yourself: CC Slaughters
219 NW Davis St.
You know you’re getting to the most hyphy part of the night when you walk into a bar bustling with Portland’s finest queens, least-dressed bartenders and most unabashed dancers.
Bonus: One of the evangelical protesters who frequents the Park Blocks also occasionally graces CC’s with his soul-saving light.
Hopefully someone will just so happen to have a balloon animal shaped like a penis like someone did on the night I went. Wave it in his face, take pictures with it behind his head, ride it like a horse while you gallop circles around him. Better to poke fun than to argue. It’s also a good thing they have $2 well specials. After that, you’ll need holy water to deliver you to the porcelain god.
7. Try Not To Pass Out in Your Biscuits and Gravy: The Roxy Diner
1121 SW Stark St.
There’s nothing like diner food to end a night of binge drinking. The Roxy is the best diner in all of Portland. They have the best cheesecake in the city and the staff is amazing—they even gave us a free slice of cheesecake the last time we were there. They’re open 24 hours, and at 3 a.m. everyone is so blasted that there’s no shame. I mean, if you can be loud and vulgar and still get a free slice of cheesecake, I believe that’s what I would call drunk person heaven.
Now go home, chug some water and prepare for 11 a.m. hell.