Pray to the porcelain God: How to have a wild night out

At least once per quarter, most college students debate whether their weekly (well, let’s not kid ourselves, daily) five (fine, eight) drinks are grounds for maybe cutting back. I had been considering this myself the morning after another “I’m only drinking on Fridays and Saturdays” pep talk didn’t quite pan out.

So let’s get down to business and have a wild night.

1. The Prefunk: Home (or a friend’s house, or maybe a shitty hotel. Use your imagination.)

Okay, I shouldn’t have to even say this if your goal is to make your tomorrow-self as miserable and confused as possible. Cheap handles of liquor should be at hand, of course.

2. Baby Steps: Rogue Hall
1717 SW Park Ave.

Because I live on campus, Rogue is usually my first stop. First of all, the fact that I can walk three short minutes from my apartment to this bar is an obvious plus. Secondly, it may be $5 for a pint of beer, but it’s delicious. At this point, taste still matters.

Really, the only time you should be drinking good alcohol on a night like this is before you get swallowed up by Portland’s bar scene. Stay for a drink or two.

3. Take it to the Next Level: Scooter McQuade’s
1321 Washington St.

I bought three shots of Jack Daniel’s, two cocktails and two beers for $14. That should be enough said, but I won’t stop there. They give generous pours. The first shot I ever bought there was so big I wondered if the bartender confused my whiskey shot with a glass of ginger ale. Plus, cheap-o boozehounds and recovering high school cheerleaders rejoice: they have Jell-O shots.

4. Go Overboard: Momo’s
725 SW 10th Ave.

Close to two MAX lines? All responsible alcoholics should be sold. Heated patio? All fellow anemics should be sold. You can get pisswater (PBR) for $2.50 or watch hipsters who take themselves too seriously drink pisswater while debating the merits of said pisswater.

5. Wave Your Hands and Say “Woooo”: Whiskey Bar
31 NW 1st Ave.

On Wednesdays they have $1 well whiskey drinks. If you’re into the EDM thing, they have DJs every week. Dancing with the crazies who run through there is most fun on a night like this. And when “7/11” comes on, try not to get so excited that you smack your friend’s drink out of her hand when Beyoncé specifically tells you to not drop that alcohol. Now I have to live with the shame of knowing Beyoncé is disappointed in me.

6. Go Ahead and Embarrass Yourself: CC Slaughters
219 NW Davis St.

You know you’re getting to the most hyphy part of the night when you walk into a bar bustling with Portland’s finest queens, least-dressed bartenders and most unabashed dancers.

Bonus: One of the evangelical protesters who frequents the Park Blocks also occasionally graces CC’s with his soul-saving light.

Hopefully someone will just so happen to have a balloon animal shaped like a penis like someone did on the night I went. Wave it in his face, take pictures with it behind his head, ride it like a horse while you gallop circles around him. Better to poke fun than to argue. It’s also a good thing they have $2 well specials. After that, you’ll need holy water to deliver you to the porcelain god.

7. Try Not To Pass Out in Your Biscuits and Gravy: The Roxy Diner
1121 SW Stark St.

There’s nothing like diner food to end a night of binge drinking. The Roxy is the best diner in all of Portland. They have the best cheesecake in the city and the staff is amazing—they even gave us a free slice of cheesecake the last time we were there. They’re open 24 hours, and at 3 a.m. everyone is so blasted that there’s no shame. I mean, if you can be loud and vulgar and still get a free slice of cheesecake, I believe that’s what I would call drunk person heaven.

Now go home, chug some water and prepare for 11 a.m. hell.