I’m about to send you into the most massive food coma you have ever known. I’m going to impregnate you with the biggest food baby anyone has ever seen. This is going to be a journey, so strap in and prepare your mind, your soul and your stomach.
Take a quick walk down the Park Blocks and head on over to Clyde Common, which is nuzzled inside the Ace Hotel on Southwest 10th Avenue and Stark Street. This is a great place to begin your food journey; they have an extensive cocktail list and the food on their happy hour menu has fancy names, like the smoked cod brandade with a baguette or the pork and shitake lumpia. You can choose just one appetizer from their happy hour menu, or heck, why not get both? You’re living in the moment. You’re seeing what life has to offer. Enjoy it!
You’re not going to want to overdo it at Clyde Common, because the next stop is Miss Delta in North Portland at 3950 N. Mississippi Ave. Their motto is “Southern cookin’ made from scratch,” and that’s exactly what you’re going to get. They’ve got slow cooked meat and fried chicken, hush puppies, corn bread and way too many types of macaroni. They’ve even got jambalaya, for god’s sake. Miss Delta is going to make you want to sit back, relax and enjoy the comforts of this Southern eatery.
After cleaning your plate at Miss Delta (trust me, you can do it), you’re going to hop back into downtown and over to The Original, located at Southwest 6th Avenue and Oak Street, for dessert. They have boozy milkshakes and seasonal pies, oh my! They also have poutine—so, you know, go crazy! I am a fond admirer of The Dude shake, which is made of kahlua, vodka and vanilla ice cream, but their other boozy shakes are just as delightful.
By this point in the night, you might be feeling like your pants are too tight. I thought I told you to wear the fat jeans! But heck, why not. Let’s keep going! Head on over the river to Star Bar and throw back a super quick PBR to wash down the boozy milkshakes and pie you just enjoyed.
I’m pretty sure Star Bar serves PBR and only PBR. Good thing it goes down like water! I wouldn’t recommend the food (I’ve actually never had it, but hang on to your butts because I’ve got a special treat for you just as soon as you finish that tall boy).
Star Bar is on Southeast 7th Avenue and Morrison Street. They play loud punk music which might help you forget about that kicking food baby in your belly, and they also have a real film photo booth, so you’ll never, ever forget this beautiful night. Whether you will want to remember this night or not, Star Bar is a place you’re going not to want to miss out on.
After you finish that PBR, head on down the block to Robo Taco to end the night. Everyone needs to experience the joys of a goodnight sleepytime taco. Bob Ross is usually playing on the tiny TV they have up on the wall and his voice will send you into a food coma to end all food comas.
You can gauge how much room you have left in your tum-tum and order accordingly. You might have room for just one fish taco, or maybe you’ve got room for a whole burrito! They have meat burritos as well as vegetarian and vegan ones. And if you have a true Mel’s Hole (look up the Wikipedia page, it’ll blow your mind!) of a stomach, you can get an entire combination plate or enchilada plate.
Robo Taco is open until 1 a.m. Sunday–Thursday and until 3:30 a.m. on Friday and Saturday, so it’s the perfect place to end your night.
When you wake up from your coma, you might be wondering, “What’s for breakfast?” You can cure your food hangover with Broder Cafe, located at Southeast 28th Avenue and Clinton Street. Broder is a Swedish breakfast and brunch café and they serve a whole host of food I can’t pronounce, but trust me, it’s all delicious. And you’re going to need it after the night you just had.