Rant & Rage: Til “meh” do us part

You did the dance. You got married, had the wedding, said the vows and topped it all off with a honeymoon. Now that all is said and done, things have settled, some time has gone by—it’s time for the divorce. And that’s fine; I’m not judging or protesting it. But here’s the thing—can I get my gift back?

Like I said, I’m not making any sort of judgment call here. People get divorced. Marriages fall apart. This is all part of life. I guess what’s odd to me is that we all made this big fuss over the wedding, and spent some nice cash for these presents, but those presents were kind of for a specific purpose—to aid and celebrate in the uniting of a couple folks, love and all that Hallmark crap. It’s like we all invested in the union on your behalf.

The concept our society holds as marriage is a sham to begin with. Marriage in our culture is a joke. We all know that only around half of marriages will work out anyway; the other half dissolve for a variety of reasons ranging from having a really shitty spouse to merely getting bored. The whole “committing for life” idea is not really sound if you ask me.

It all starts with the wedding. Take if from a guy who has already gotten his first marriage out of the way—the wedding is not worth it. It’s not worth the money or the stress. No matter how small or large the wedding is you aren’t going to see anyone who traveled miles and miles to see you. You aren’t going to enjoy any part of what you, and most likely your relatives, have forked over so much cash for—and let’s be honest, gone into debt for. After all, the average American wedding runs around $27,000.

Instead of enjoying this shindig you put on, you’re running around giving face time to people you’ve never really known, but they knew you when you were “yea high” or were roommates with your great aunt in college. These are the people who are eating all the food you paid a few thousand dollars for. By the way, get your food first. Free food, such as that offered at a wedding, gets eaten like hogs at a trough. I swear people pocket the stuff to take home.

When you aren’t being pulled from one person to the other, you’re posing for pictures—which is another few thousand dollars right there. It’s a tedious process of organizing various groups of people, most of whom are not photogenic, and making sure grandma stays awake for the shot.

And you may have thought that the actual photographer was the only excessive cost you needed to worry about, but then there is the album. And for what they charge you, for what is essentially a glorified scrapbook, it better be an album dipped in gold and blessed by a holy man. You’ll end up spending another thousand dollars for what you could have done yourself at a copy shop or online.

The commitment part that folks make such a big deal about generally comes from the vows—a sacred promise made to one another. I’m for couples making up their own vows. This way they really have to contemplate their reasoning for taking the plunge, but also because most people aren’t really taking the whole “til death” or “for better or for worse” portions too seriously. By making up your own vows, couples can tailor the promises to take on a more personal significance. The groom can promise not to get too drunk and call his wife by his ex-girlfriend’s name. The bride can promise not to torturously plague the groom with her loathing of his family. It’s different for every couple, but you know, whatever is personally applicable to them.

Here’s another thought for you engaged couples out there—drop the song in the middle of the ceremony. No one likes it. Most of the time it’s some obnoxiously cheesy song that belongs polluting the soundtrack of an elevator ride. You got a special song together—take it to the dance floor later on at the reception. The ceremony is drawn out enough. It’s not comfortable sitting for so long. So please don’t torture us further.

On the subject of music, if you must walk out to a song at the end of the ceremony, make it worthwhile. I had a buddy walk out to the tune that plays during the ending credits of “Star Wars.” That makes sense to me, in a nerdy sort of way. But try not to date yourself by playing whatever top of the pop chart splash-in-the-pan song that is popular at the moment.

The way we think of weddings and marriage is totally backward. There is no modern justification for even having a wedding—at least not in the grand scale we have come to expect.

In fact, no one should have a wedding until they have been married for at least 10 years. After 10 years, you actually have something to celebrate. If you’re still together and haven’t screwed up too much, then I can understand spending the money and making such a fuss. You would have earned those presents and the adoration of your loved ones. It’s kind of like you proved it.

And another change in the tradition of marriage we might want to consider is keeping a list of all the gifts people gave you. That way, if things don’t really work out, you can give them back. ?