Sean Howard Boggs

Has anybody ever asked you, “What are you eating?”

“Hey, whatcha’ eatin’?”

“Oh, it’s good, try some.”

“But what is it?”

“It’s really good, try some.”

Isn’t this really annoying? Has this ever happened to you before? You try to figure out what a person is eating, yet he or she won’t tell you what it is, only how it tastes. Well, these conversations that happen frequently to people, and me especially, are going to get worse.

Food is changing colors. That’s right, at first we didn’t know what our friends were eating, and now they won’t know what they are eating either. It’s the wave of the future – different colors of food.

The most obvious example: ketchup. Remember when it was just red? Awwwww, those were the days. But now ketchup comes in blue, green, purple and old boring red. My buns have never been happier.

This is the first step into the unknown food world. Food may taste the same, but from the outside, we have no idea what we are getting into.

Case in point – butter is changing colors, and so are Cheetos. But these foods aren’t changing to black, white, or brown, no no no, they are changing to exciting colors that will drive the imagination wild.

“I think this is butter on my toast, but it could be salsa. Oh well, it’s exciting anyhow!”

This is what we have to do for entertainment now? Dress our foods up? The Hershey’s bar stays the same; why can’t my Cheetos stay orange as well? Certain foods are meant for different colors – M&M’s, Starburst and lots of other candy. I like sorting out my Skittles by color so that I can eat my least favorite ones first and the rest are the really good colors.

Some foods shouldn’t be messed with. We should all know this after the terrible Green Apple Skittles from last year. Yuck! I’ve had better taste licking dust off of my refrigerator.

I know the kids love all of these new colors. I was quite impressed by the green ketchup when it first came out. I even bought some myself. But when the meatloaf started looking green, I couldn’t handle it. Food should not look like fungus. Or taste like it either.

But I will say that the new colors taste fine. They taste normal, but they look strange. But what foods are going to be attacked next? Green milk? Black carrots? A steak that screams when you bite into it? I don’t think I could handle that.

Am I really the only one who is upset by all of these changes in food? Others don’t seem to mind. The new products are actually big sellers in the grocery stores, but I cannot get used to them. I just can’t. I’ve had some great ideas for new food products. Why can’t any of these become big-sellers? Pepsi-flavored popcorn, Sprite-flavored ice cubes and chocolate chip cookies shaped like a stick. These are good ideas – right?

I just want all of the food people out there to know that I don’t care if they are trying to be hip to the kids or whatever it is that they are trying to do. I want my red ketchup, my yellow butter and my orange Cheetos.

I will kick your ass if you ever mess with the ramen.