Sean Howard Boggs

So the groundhog saw its shadow, big friggin’ deal. I guess I better go out and buy some more snow pants because it ain’t getting warmer anytime soon.

Good old Punxsutawney, Mr. Weatherman, Precipitation Phil, Gusty Wind Groundhog, what ever his name is – I don’t care.

What a (insert non-politically correct term here) tradition. I cannot believe that people buy into this whole groundhog shindig. Nobody really believes anything that comes out of Pennsylvania, let alone a little weatherman groundhog. This whole situation would be really cool if the groundhog wasn’t even real.

Think about it – Santa isn’t real, the Easter Bunny isn’t real, and neither is the tooth fairy. All cool things are fake. The groundhog is real. It would be so much more interesting if he wasn’t real. Imagine if he was just a cartoon. A lovable character with a lesser-known sidekick. His sidekick could be a squirrel – Lenny the squirrel. Oh, the fun we could have with a groundhog and a squirrel. Who knows what those crazy animals would come up with. They could even have special powers. Phil could see through walls, and Lenny could vomit his intestines and swallow them back again.

But no … my future clothing for the next six weeks relies on a groundhog.

What is the accuracy of this stupid animal anyway? Has it ever been right in the 116-year tradition? It’s a 50-50 chance. And here is something that I don’t get. He saw his shadow. By seeing his shadow, it must mean there is six weeks left of winter. How does that work? By seeing his shadow, there has to be light, sunlight perhaps. The sun is an example of what winter does not have. The sun is a happy time, a summer and springtime. So, by seeing his shadow, that means there is going to be more winter? That doesn’t make any sense.

If he doesn’t see his shadow, it means spring is on the way, right?

No, it doesn’t. By not seeing your shadow, it means it’s dark and gloomy – the opposite of spring. You cannot see a shadow in the dark, so it looks to be still winter. This whole operation is a complete contradicting failure.

Oh, I get it. It’s just a silly tradition that isn’t supposed to be taken seriously anyway. Well, that is all nice and pretty, but I don’t care. I just don’t. Traditions are supposed to be fun, interesting and exciting. That is why they continue year after year. Groundhog Day is worthless, depressing and always reminds me of Bill Murray. And if I am not supposed to take it serious, then why, oh why, were there hundreds of police and National Guard members standing nearby when Phil awoke from his slumber? If this country is worried that terrorists are gonna attack our beloved gopher-wannabe, then this celebration is way more important than it should be.

Just get rid of the groundhog. Is this Pennsylvania’s only tourist attraction? Why not dip the groundhog into a vat of Hershey’s syrup? I’d pay to watch that. I’d buy a t-shirt too. I get first dibs on the one that says, “Is that a groundhog on your t-shirt, or are you just happy to see me?”

An example of the groundhog extremes: Every year, the groundhog writes a little speech which one of his handlers, who claims to speak “Groundhogese” reads from. This year was no different, and I quote, “I live in a burrow, and not in a cave. I’ve been sleepin’, been noddin, been livin’ better than Bin Laden.” If this doesn’t demonstrate my point – six more weeks of winter.

So, nobody really wants to admit it, but Groundhog Day is ridiculous. I am not sure why people are in denial about this ridiculous celebration. I think more people would be happier if Phil was a cartoon, and together with Lenny the squirrel, they would save mankind from insignificant and absurd holidays and celebrations. And then, every February, they could turn on the television and watch the weather channel.

Hmmmm, a weather report done by actual humans with actual intelligence and actual college degrees? (Insert editorial laugh here.)