Aries (March 21 – April20)
You’re an old soul, Aries; at least you keep saying so. Much likeyour fellow ram Claire Danes you seem to carry the pretense ofwisdom with you everywhere you go. Wearing white and listening toworld music isn’t a symptom of wisdom, Aries; it’s a symptom of badtaste. Stop looking wise and start being wise, bitch.
Taurus (April 21 – May21)
I bet when your star mate Salvador Dali was pushing the boundariesof the subconscious in art he had no intention of his work adorningcoffee cups and dorm rooms. Sometimes bad things happen to goodwork, Taurus. It’s a fact of life. Don’t let it dissuade you fromtrying.
Gemini (May 22 – June21)
Hey, Vern, where’s my career? Take a lesson from Ernest. Don’t takethe easy route. People may love vapid humor, but it lacks stayingpower. Be real, Gemini, don’t let what starts a shtick end as atombstone. People respect balance.
Cancer (June 22 – July22)
The poor Dalai Lama. Not only has he lost his homeland he’sstranded in a society that looks for enlightenment in products notprayer. Sure, he’s making a killing, but the lesson is lost. Don’tfall victim to the whims of capitalism, Cancer. Look in your heart,not your wallet.
Leo (July 23 – Aug.23)
It’s one thing to be middle-aged pretending you still make viablemusic; it’s a whole other thing to be middle-aged and still goingby the stupid name you gave yourself in high school.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept.22)
I imagine it must have been pretty scary for Adam Sandler toventure out of his frat boy mold when he made the deeply disturbing”Punch Drunk Love.” How else could you justify falling back intothe same dick and fart joke routine that you’ve clung to for almosta decade? Don’t be afraid to step outside yourself Virgo,especially if “yourself” is an irritating fucking clown whosescat-obsessed humor bores King Grebinous to tears.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct.23)
Gwen Stefani has finally realized what a plethora of suburban teensmay never. Ska is pretty lame. OK, really lame. Grow up, Libra.Lose the two-tone sneakers and that goddamn pork pie hat. Adulthoodmay very well help your career the same way it did for Gwennie.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov.22)
The recent fawning reviews for Elliot Smith’s posthumous album havegot me thinking about death and Jeff Buckley. I wonder if there isa certain esoteric quality that an artist’s work takes on when theartist dies unexpectedly. You’d think reviewers would be morecritical of a dead artist’s work. It’s not like their feelings aregonna get hurt. Do the world a favor, Scorpio. Put down thesleeping pills and learn some new chords. Let us celebrate you inlife.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
Can somebody please explain to me why Jim Morrison seems to grow inpopularity decades after the world put his stinking corpse into theearth? No advice here, just bewilderment at the sustainedpopularity of this God-awful hack among twenty-one-year-oldboys.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 -Jan. 20)
They don’t call him the “Thin White Duke” for nothing, Capricorn.David Bowie is a man with integrity in his art. I can’t think of abetter role model for you, my friend. Follow your passion with thesame vision Bowie’s got and you can’t go wrong. Well except for TinMachine. And that whole “fucking Mick Jagger” thing.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
At a recent garage sale I found a cassette copy of “Use YourIllusion Vol.1” for a quarter and nearly peed my pants. Axl Rosewas an icon of my youth. Brash, strung out and gutter glamorous, hedefined the angst of my dirty Nevada days. When I gleefully slippedmy prize into the tape deck of my car I expected the profundity ofhair metal nostalgia to carry me away. I learned my lesson quickly,Aquarius, and here’s yours: don’t mess with personal legends. Thereis no reason to look back. Nostalgia is dangerous and ultimatelydisappointing, although “November Rain” still kicks epic ass.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March20)
Osama bin Laden
Look, Pisces, I never said you weren’t important. I’ve neverstopped looking for you. It’s hard work, I know. I do it every day.Quit being so elusive; I need a break. I haven’t been to my ranchin weeks. Wanna buy some wood?