Aries (March 21-April 20) StevenTyler
I saw your fellow Aries Steven Tyler singing the national anthemnot too long ago, and boy was it awkward. Aging gracefully hasnever been a high on the list of priorities for rock stars, butmaybe it should be. Fading away may be your only option, Aries, sowhy not do it with a shred of dignity?
Taurus (April 21- May 21) WillieNelson
Oh Willie, we need you now more than ever. Look to the beautifulMr. Nelson for guidance in these shaky times, Taurus. Sometimes yougotta say “fuck taxes,” lay back, smoke a J and get busygodblessing America. This is our country, man, not theirs.
Gemini (May 22- June 21) JonStewart
Use fellow Gemini Mr. Stewart’s now infamous “Crossfire” appearanceas your personal mantra this week. You know what needs to be doneto save us, so do it. And tell everyone. But remember, humor isgenerally better received than aggression.
Cancer (June22-July 22)France
Side with France, in their battle with McDonalds, Cancer. Why letmultinational corporations do to you what they do to everyone else.You are beautiful and sophisticated and the last thing I want tosee is you get pushed around by something unhealthy and crass.
Leo (July 23-August 23)McDonalds
So what if McDonalds endangers people’s health with their huge,greasy portions of soy and horsemeat? So what if they reduce peopleto obese zombies full of hormones and chemicals? What right doesfucking France have to criticize them? Doesn’t France have enoughfaith in its citizens to trust they can make up their own minds, orare they afraid people will try a juicy quarter-pounder and realizelife is meant for enjoying?
Virgo (August 24-September 22) MotherTeresa
A tough act to follow, Virgo. She dedicated her life to the care ofothers and has become the international symbol for charity. Do yourbest, my friend, and remember everyone has their faults. MotherTeresa, despite her deeds and acts was still a Catholic, meaningher judgment was filtered through an antiquated set of moralstandards. You can help the world, Virgo, faults and all. Don’t bedissuaded.
Libra (September 23- October 23) PaulHogan
A few years back the real Crocodile Dundee died in a face-off withpolicemen. It seems the loveable croc-wrestler as embodied by PaulHogan was in fact an aggressive killer, ravaging the outback. You,much like Mr. Hogan, have an uncanny ability to make somethingloveable out of something monstrous. Be careful, even the mostloveable kitten can still cut your throat.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)Eminem
It looks as if ol’ Slim Shady is making a late entry to thepolitical fray. His newest single and video take aim at the Bushadministration and urge voters to, well, vote. There is somethingabout you Scorpio-types that are always where the action is,grabbing your piece of the spotlight. Irritating.
Sagittarius (November 23- December21) Versace
You Sagittarius types love quality. You breathe it in and spew itout. I just wonder if luxury handbags are worth sacrificing a livedlife. I say no, but what do I know? I’m just a poor slob.
Capricorn (December 22- January 20)Rush Limbaugh
Everyone’s favorite pill popping, bigoted, perjury-ing windbag isan also a Capricorn, just like you. Sorry.
Aquarius (January 21- February 19)Jude Law
You, like Jude Law, are a winner at everything you do. You’rehandsome, talented and in complete control of your career. I haveno advice to give you. Good job.
Pisces (February 20- March 20) RalphNader
Look Pisces, I know you have an upstanding moral structure andideals that you live by. I totally respect that. I also realizethat picking the lesser of two evils is like arguing whether acertain beer tastes great or is less filling. Who cares, if it’sstill the same beer? But beer is delicious and it gets you drunk,so I say viva the two party system!