Shiv to Shank

PETA recently announced that Pamela Anderson, former lifeguard and lifelong flotation device, would become its spokesperson for poultry rights, marking the first time that Anderson will find herself concerned with real breasts.

The Roman Catholic Church continued this week to defame gays and lesbians, unabated by its own prevalent sense of guilt. The Church denounced homosexual coupledom as “evil” and equated the raising of children by gay and lesbian couples as a “violent” act. After the erroneous accusations were made publicly, every person responsible for the said comments made a bum-rush for the confessional to announce their unfounded slander to God, who is still suspected of being involved in a holy trilogy with two other men.

In an update from Bizarro Land, U.S.-based corporations announced this week that an overabundance of investing left over from the late ’90s economic boom and the subsequent closing of U.S. factories that sent U.S. jobs overseas has hampered their ability to contribute to the dilapidated U.S. job-growth estimate. Do we really have to say anything else?

While we at the Shivtastic desk of Shankdom sat around last weekend with a pitcher of sangria contemplating what we should shiv George W. Bush with this week, his mom, Barbs, beat us to the punch by publicly stating that the democratic presidential hopefuls will be stiff competition for her son in the next election year. We bet that next year his Mother’s Day card won’t be late (And we all know what he gave his dad this year).

This week, allegations that Princess Di had predicted her own death were all over the news, proving once and for all that media outlets can’t handle a slow news week (consult Vanguard front page).

On Monday, a judge declared that Kobe Bryant would stand trial for rape, and the national media wondered why Vanessa Bryant, his wife, was not standing by her man at the hearing, which raises the question: Did every person involved in rock music in the 1990s attend Winona Ryder’s shoplifting trial?

News that an employer showed up at an employee’s home and opened fire after the employee had not shown up for work Sunday morning has led multinational corporations around the world to consider dropping casual Fridays for “Charleton Heston Tuesdays” as a new motivational incentive.