Shiv to Shank

Shiv to the left: The word, “progressive” will no longer be associated with a political agenda, but will, instead, only be used in reference to auto insurance.

A Shank to the right: Former U.S. Treasury Secretary to the Bush Administration, Paul O퀌_Neil denied that he had unveiled classified information regarding his claims that the Bush Administration been planning the invasion of Iraq long before the September 11th attacks, while officials for the Bush Administration still maintain that all documents, including both intelligence pertaining to the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Hussein퀌_s Iraq and President Bush퀌_s doodles of Woody from “Toy Story” are, in fact, classified.

FCC Chairman Michael Powell has rallied the otherwise stoic organization in an effort to overturn an FCC ruling last October, which allowed the word, “f#!k” to become the word, 퀌�fuck퀌� during primetime network broadcasts. Critics of Powell퀌_s proposal to refute the committee decision stated, “that 퀌_s totally fucked up, dude.”

A Shiv from the future: Tonight, President Bush will deliver his fourth State of the Union address, where he is expected to outline his new “Axis of Most Eviler,” which will include such new threats to national security as France, the planet Mars, Howard Dean, other U.S. citizens with the last name “Dean,” and the U.S. economy.

A Shank from the past: On Sunday, a massive bombing in Iraq that killed 31 people and wounded over a hundred was attributed by the U.S. Army to a loyalist of Saddam Hussein. Oh wait, is that a Shank from the past?

Mars, the angry red planet, named after the Roman god of war, dismissed its recent inclusion into President Bush퀌_s “Axis of the Most Eviler,” stating that contrary to public opinion, it did not harbor life forms of mass destruction, known as LMDs, or Martians, and was also fresh out of oil.