Shiv to Shank
On Monday, the recently exiled president of Haiti, Jean-BertrandAristide, claimed that he was kidnapped at gunpoint by the U.S.military and forced to leave his country. The Bush administrationresponded, puzzled, “Does that sound like us? We’re not in thebusiness of deposing foreign leaders and usurping the power ofsovereign nations.”
This weekend, Gus Van Sant held an open casting call askingyoung people between the ages of 16 and 25 to audition for roles inhis upcoming film, but this time, the auditions weren’t held in hisPearl District loft. The new film, which will focus on the GrungeEra in the Northwest, will sadly not feature any of the originalpurveyors of torn jeans and poorly-fitted flannel, as the washed-uprockers are now all too old.
The worst Oscars ever: The Lord of the Rings seemed to hold somesort of power over the Academy, picking up every award possible,even those it wasn’t nominated for, including best animated shortfilm about French Canadians. And what the fuck does Hollywood haveagainst Bill Murray? He was in “Ghostbusters” for chrissakes.
Sean Connery, former Bond man, has received the bizarre honor ofhaving a waterfall named after him. Connery Falls on Panama’s RiverPina was named after the brutish Scottish actor by a Britishexplorer, Colonel John Blashford Snell, whose recent CentralAmerican expedition was partly funded by Connery. Connery Falls ispresumed to be the only waterfall that openly admits to beatingwomen, yet is still considered a sex symbol.
The German government released a handbook for tourists in aneffort to dismiss the myth of the efficient, punctual German. “Justlike in other countries,” the handbook explained, “not everythinggoes exactly to plan all the time in Germany.” For further evidenceof German malfeasance, consult Stalingrad, the “air-cooled”Volkswagen engine, Kraftwerk, and David Hasselhoff. The Germangovernment’s next pamphlet, “An Appetite for Civility: How to eatthe people who have agreed to be eaten by you” is expected nextfall.
At a pre-Oscar bash for everyone’s favorite midget relay race,”The Lord of the Rings,” Paris Hilton reportedly fell into anornamental Japanese pond. Even though, the mishap was public, itdoes mark the first occasion that the young Ms. Hilton has gottenwet, off camera.
“The Passion of the Christ,” Mel Gibson’s masturbatory faithfantasy, raked in $76.2 million at the box office over this lastweekend making it the most popular public flogging of a dirty whiteguy with a beard since the 1968 Democratic National Convention inChicago.