Shiv to Shank

President Bush released his economic review for 2003 on Monday,stating that the U.S. fared pretty well considering terroristattacks, two wars against countries, two wars against abstractnouns (war and terror) and high profile corporate scandals, whilehis critics have concluded that he was the cause of it all.

Corporate media giants continued their quest to render everyword in the English language meaningless this weekend, byimplementing a five-minute broadcasting delay during the GrammysSunday night. While the venerable musical award show was not wasnot “live” as advertised, fittingly enough, neither were half ofthe award recipients.

Yesterday, Australian scientists released the first studyresearching the link between optimism and cancer survival. Contraryto the old adage, a little bit of optimism still works for mostpeople, just not cancer patients.

Tired of all those heathens only being inundated by Christiandoctrine at public schools, the pre-shows of all major leaguesporting events, award show ceremonies, and every address by thepresident of the U.S., an American Airlines pilot took it uponhimself to give a good old-fashioned Christian sermon to thosepoor, hell-bound souls seated coach aboard a flight from LosAngeles to New York this weekend. The event marks the first timethat passengers were elated to purchase headphones at $5 a pop.

Howard Dean asked Wisconsin voters Monday to ignore hisunfavorable position in the polls and widespread negative mediacoverage when the go to the voting booth today. Not to be outdone,George Bush asked American voters to ignore his policies on Iraq,the economic downturn, his mispronunciation of the word “nuclear,”the intelligence fiasco surrounding WMDs and that “silly CIA leakthing,” but instead to recall his daring, hard line stance onsteroid use among professional athletes.

On Monday a new study came out linking high mercury levels infish to diminished brain capacity in infants, finally giving ascientific explanation of the existence of Seventh-DayAdventists.