Still stalking santa

Some things are synonymous with the holidays: Spiked ‘nog, the tearing of wrapping paper, clothes from grandma that you will never wear and mall Santas. No matter who you are, it’s hard to garner negative feelings about good ol’ St. Nick.

With plenty of Santas to go around in Portland—all providing a comfortable lap for you to relay your Christmas wishes—four Vanguard editors hit the pavement to find the right portly impostor for you.

Bridgeport Village
“Classy” Santa

Décor: 9
Santa has his very own house set up next to the mall’s fountain and outdoor Christmas tree. Elves are there to help you choose the perfect photo package and tend to crying patrons, and let’s face it, there are always a few weepers out there.

Jolliness: 7.5
Presented more of a soft kindness than a jovial ho-ho.

Lap factor: 7
It felt as sturdy as an oak tree.

Aroma: 8
With candy canes aplenty, this Santa’s shack will tickle your nose with peppermint delight.

Theo’s Creep-o-meter: Not at all. This Santa was voted the Best Santa of the Willamette Valley by the Statesman-Journal—and they are a real newspaper.

The overflowing fountain next to the electric lights of the tree increases the “shock” value of this Santa experience. But inside “Classy” Santa’s house is everything you come to expect from your photo excursion to the North Pole. A trip here will certainly not disappoint, and  will leave you full of jolly Christmas cheer.

Washington Square
“Spaced Out” Santa

Décor:  5
Your typical mid-mall setup near the food court escalators. Somewhat cartoony but the little ones won’t mind.

Jolliness: 2
Seemed to be high on OxyContin.

Lap factor: 3
More frail than plump, this Santa’s tight grasp lacked the warm embrace of Christmas.

Aroma: 1
Not much to go on. Definitely no cookies in the air.

Theo’s Creep-o-meter: Let’s just say Theo was not comfortable with this Santa. Her exact words are best left out of print.

During our visit, “Spaced Out” Santa failed to offer any candy or ask what we wanted for Christmas. Santa’s helpers did not don the typical elf-like attire one would expect from jolly ol’ St. Nick’s workshop, but rather from Crazy Eddie’s Used Car Emporium.

Overall, this Santa experience covers your basic holiday needs, with no frills for your photo op. Children may enjoy their short walk through this Christmas-cookie-cutter display of the North Pole.
 

Lloyd Center
“Velvet Rope” Santa

Décor:  3.5
Another mid-mall attraction, but featuring the ambiance one would expect from the usual Lloyd Center environment. Wait. Where’s my wallet?

Jolliness: 5.5
Santa appeared pleased to greet his young visitors who were granted an audience. 

Lap factor: ?
From afar, he appeared to have a lap.

Aroma: 6
Coffee and gingerbread lattes. Starbucks was nearby.

Theo’s Creep-o-meter: We may never know.

If this Santa was a nightclub, you better be on the list. In order for us to see Santa, we had to go through two levels of employees and we were told they would have to “check with corporate” before being granted press access. We can only assume the “Velvet Rope” Santa experience involves champagne and B-list celebrities.

From a distance, this Santa seemed genuine down to his white beard. We were eventually notified hours after our visit that Santa would be available for interview later that evening, but by then we were downtown enjoying the Holiday Ale Fest.

Pioneer Place
The “Real Deal” Santa

Décor: 7
In comparison to other sites, it may appear that this display was not as extravagant, but this Santa has no need for cheap parlor tricks.

Jolliness: 10
We will draw upon his jolliness for strength during the darkest of our days.

Lap factor: 10
It brings you back to your childhood and gives you hope for the future.

Aroma: 8
Chocolate-y goodness (though the nearby Moonstruck Chocolate may have given him unfair advantage).

Theo’s Creep-o-meter: How dare you say that about Santa?

Once again, this “Real Deal” Santa tops our charts as the most Santastical in all the land. Even with simplistic décor, this Santa warmed the hearts of everyone around him. As far as we are concerned this, is Saint Nicholas himself. No barriers could keep this Santa from working the room, bringing joy to old and young alike—and we got coloring books to boot. If we could, we would spend all day with this jolly red giant of Christmas enchantment. This Santa could brighten the atmosphere of a maximum-security prison.