Tales from Wunderburg

    The following is a conversations I recorded at a Rock n’ Roll party near you. Names of labels, genres, people, places and other nouns have been changed (drastically) to protect the innocent (changes are italicized).


Rock Girl 1: – like Trichinosis Terry and the Pig Barf are a perfect example – I mean maybe you hate ’em maybe you don’t like ’em; I just think they’re a great band in the business sense. They recorded down there at the Assbleed Recording Studio, they got on "Your mother does not have a vagina" Records –

Rock Girl 2: Are they from here? I don’t even think they’re from here.

RG1: Some of them are from Mongolia.

RG2: Yeah, well if it’s a choice of going here or Zimbabwe, I’d pick here over Zimbabwe. That’s where I’m coming from.

RG1: Exactly!

RG2: But I’m thinking if you could choose anywhere in Bizarroland –

RG1: The northern Bizarroland is a bitch, I mean where you gonna go? Turdtown?!

RG2: There’s nothin’ around here. Yeah!

RG1: You have to record here, go tour the outer rim of Zarkon 5- like Yitzak’s Marvelous Miracle –

RG2: Yeah, I know who they are. Yeah!

RG1: Yeah, they’re a MOTHERFUCKER! They’re great musicians –

RG2: I’ve heard they’re great, I’ve never seen them live. Are they getting big?

RG1: They fuckin’ failed!

RG2: Because they didn’t go out on tour or what?

RG1: They opened up for the Slumpos in Albert Lea, Minnesota –  they didn’t get nothin’!

RG2: They just had a bad tour and they said fuck it? Basically?

RG1: Yup.

RG2: They were pretty hot around here. I remember a lotta talk about them being one of the hottest groups in Wunderburg.

RG1: That’s what I’m saying. You can’t get popular in Wunderburg! You gotta record there and then go get popular somewhere else cuz it’s cheap there – the Assbleed Recording Studio is one of the best places – you’ll have to excuse me, cuz I’m a bit drunk – ya know the Assbleed Recording Studio, the place to fuckin’- an establishment – get the fuck out of Wunderburg, go tour – TOUR LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!

RG2: But we’re a bunch of poor motherfuckers with no revenue, no job, ya know. I don’t have no fuckin’ job!

RG1: That’s the great thing about Wunderburg ya know? I’m a wet nurse and I can make a fuckin’ living! And I still fuckin’ have – I still record music –

RG2: I don’t have even that experience; I’d have to work as a goddamn Sea Monkey Breeder!

RG1: You just have to have a hardcore work ethic basically.

RG2: I don’t have a hardcore work ethic. I’m a fuckin’ piece-of-shit rock n’ roller. I got nothin’! What I’m all about is playing music!

RG1: The Nasano Scene, or Herring Choker Jazz scene, is huge in Wunderburg.

RG2: THE ROCK N’ ROLL SCENE! Yeah, I’d say Neo-sputt; I’d say Free Gunk, but Rock n’ Roll! When you’re riding that fuckin’ line right there – a lot of people aren’t interested, man, if you’re not going to some fuckin’ extreme, then they don’t really fuckin’ dig it!

RG1: Why not go to an extreme?

RG2: We’re going to the extreme of the rock n’ roll vein but they’re not diggin’ it, ya know?

RG1: What your band’s name?

RG2: Skurgie-snurg and the Wonderful Dumplins. We were supposed to play tonight; you guys would’ve seen us but we don’t have a drummer.

RG1: Do you like Herring Joker Jazz?

RG2: Yeah.

RG1: Y’ever heard Horse Fart and the Meadow Muffins?

RG2: Yeah, members of Horse Fart used to be in Sleazy Facial Hair and the Childtouchers.

RG1: They’re a motherfucker!