Teeth: Chomp on this

Right, first thing’s first. Teeth is about a vagina with teeth. It’s a depiction of the vagina dentata myth in a modern-day setting. Gnarly, huh?

The story goes something like this: Dawn, a sweet high school girl with a chastity vow, one day discovers that her vagina has teeth. And then things go wrong. Before you can ask, yes, those teeth end up chomping on a hell of a lot of penises.

From this brief synopsis, you might think that Teeth is another attempt at the Army of Darkness-esque horror-spoof genre that’s so campy it has to be a joke. Or that it’s not a joke, but rather a drama that takes its unserious subject too seriously. Or, maybe it’s an intellectual attempt to address an age-old myth of mystery and “dirtiness” of the female genitals. Or, you might think it’s a comment on the dangers of religious dogma. Or, that it’s about a not-so-subtle feminist message of empowerment in women’s sexuality.

But really you should just see this amazing movie and realize that Teeth pulls off a strange combination of all of the above. And first time writer-director Mitchell Lichtenstein succeeds in every way.

Watching Teeth is like going backwards on the proverbial emotional roller coaster. You’ve been through these climbs and dips before, but never quite in this fashion. It starts out with a shot of a typical suburban home, with a typical suburban lawn, in a typical suburb. Except in the background is an enormous smoke-belching nuclear power plant.

Then we see a young Dawn and her older brother in a wading pool with their proud, hard-working parents behind them in lawn chairs, enjoying the sunshine. Then the kids start fighting, and not in an adorable way. Then the brother reaches for Dawn’s crotch, and we have screams and a bloody hand. Then Dawn’s a teenager and talking to children about Jesus and chastity. Uh, what?

The whole movie is made up of that kind of a journey that never quite takes us where we expect to go, and it shines thanks to the excellent acting of Jess Weixler, who breathes incredible empathy into an increasingly bewildered and frightened Dawn. The psychological turmoil this girl goes through is almost as painful to watch as the physical turmoil she inflicts on the movie’s unsuspecting boys.

Lichtenstein’s directing gives Weixler some truly beautiful moments as she struggles to understand her body, from a sex ed textbook, where the female genitalia has been covered up but the male genitalia has not (A true decision from a Virginia school board made eight years ago, by the way), to a masturbation scene that can only be described as haunting.

Which brings me to another aspect: This movie is not for the faint of heart. The cock-chomping scenes for which the movie will likely become famous are unflinching and relentless, and they’re not bordered by hugs and flowers, either. There are parts of the film that will reward those looking for some vengeful de-penising action, but make no mistake: For such a crazy premise, Teeth is fucking intense.

Which isn’t to say there aren’t light-hearted spots. There are also some truly funny moments present here (and in another strange twist, the humor really starts to rev up in the second half). Lichtenstein’s jabs at the effects of religious dogma are great (Dawn sighs as she scans potential movies with her friends and mutters “Even the PG-13 is going to have heavy making out”), and hysterical moments surface whenever Ryan, Dawn’s awkward smitten-from-afar admirer, is in the picture. Teeth also closes with what, to me, was one of the most satisfying endings in recent history. I walked out of the theater beaming and laughing.

All in all, Teeth is a pretty crazy ride, and at 88 minutes, it’s over before the idea gets old. If you are intrigued by the issues raised by an actual vagina dentata, and possess a decent amount of intestinal fortitude, you really owe it to yourself to see this movie.