That’s hot!

Hot wings are tasty. Hot wings go great with beer. Hot wings are about as primal a food as modern cuisine offers man, satisfying his innate desire to gnash his teeth into the skin of another mammal and chow down on its flesh straight off the bone.

The origin of hot wings is hard to pin down, though the legend usually starts with the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, N.Y., hence the oft-used term “buffalo wing.” They rapidly grew in popularity, and today are celebrated the nation over in competitive events, though none bigger than Buffalo’s own National Buffalo Wing Festival held every Labor Day Weekend since 2002.

If flying to Buffalo isn’t something you do regularly, check out these Portland options for wing dining and delivery. Note that hot wings should be eaten sparingly: I ate many, many hot wings over just a few days for the research of this article, which wreaked pure havoc on my digestive system as it unloaded fiery zeppelins of fecal destruction into the porcelain maw of my poor, now-clogged shitter.

But that’s for another day, for now: Dig in!

FOR DINE-IN

Buffalo Wild Wings327 S.W. Morrison St.***1/2They make a tasty wing and the many TVs tuned to sports games give this place the right feel. The overall sports-bar presentation is conducive to wing consumption, though it can be distracting to the wing experience if you’re there to watch a game–beer and shouting at the TV can lead to cold wings, and that’s never good. The prices are decent, the beer selection is great and it’s the closest wing-specific restaurant to campus, so be sure to check it out.

Fire on the MTN4225 N. Interstate Ave.****Referencing the Grateful Dead is always a good marketing tool (mmm … Cherry Garcia), and this joint is Portland’s prime wing shack. Their huge variety rocks, the friendly ambiance is groovy and your wallet won’t groan under the strain put on it by several baskets of sauce-slathered meat products. There are also vegetarian soy wings that, as a carnivore, I don’t recommend, but that’s probably just me. The beer selection is decent and there are deep-fried Twinkies for dessert, if you like a growling gut.

Hooters11995 S.W. Beaverton-Hillsdale Hwy**Hooters is not a hot wing establishment. It’s simply a haven for giddy 16-year-old boys who want to sneak furtive glances at scantily clad women and then make tits-and-ass jokes. The wings lack in meaty quality and run the risk of tooth breakage with each chomp, and the sauces aren’t used enough. The prices are steep compared to other places in town, especially for beer. It’s worth visiting once for the novelty and that’s about-tit (I’m 16, apparently).

FOR DELIVERY

Garlic Jim’s3275 N.W. 29th Ave. (503-973-5100)****

Offering three varieties of winged goodness, Garlic Jim’s is a solid option for delivery. It stands out against all the national chains by only using the meatiest, least-greasy wings available. The hot wings are delightfully zingy and not overbearing. The barbecue wings are slathered in finger-licking deliciousness and the sauce-free garlic wings pack more flavor into a single wing than some places include in an entire order (Papa John’s, I’m looking at you).

Hammy’s Pizza2114 S.E. Clinton St. (503-235-1035)***1/2They make a great hot wing that can be delivered until 4 a.m. The hot sauce is perfectly piquant and the dipping sauces are pretty good too. Sadly, the cost for a half-dozen wings is $7, so you’ve got to really have a wing craving going on before placing an order. The all-night pizza purveyors also offer a rental movie list on their Web site, www.hammyspizza.com, so check it out before calling in the wings.

The great dipping sauce debate

It’s all a matter of personal taste when it comes to sauce, but if my intestine, and taste-bud-shredding research, has taught me anything, it’s to seriously consider what adorns your wings before munch time.

Ranch sauceRanch is tasty in all of its high caloric count and fatty goodness. However, eating a dozen wings dunked in ranch sauce will lead to problems. Lower-intestinal problems. If you’re nevertheless going to devour a pound of ranch per basket ordered, stay away from non-spicy wings because the seasoning in the sauce will overpower the subtle taste cooked into the chicken.

Blue CheeseThe rule of thumb with blue cheese and hot wings is: “The spicier the wing, the sharper the cheese in the sauce should be.” So be sure to ask how strong the sauce is before you order. Blue cheese blends evenly with the sauce already cooked into, or poured onto a wing, striking a complementary balance on your tongue.