The Grammar Grouch: Exclamation marks

This is a tough time for punctuation, folks. The Internet and text messaging have greatly spiked the abuse of proper grammar, and it makes a good grammarian weep to take in all the horrendous slaughtering of punctuation.

More so than any other character, Web users—especially you Portland State Clown College Bozos online—have abused the exclamation mark in recent years. What was once used sparingly and only when a writer wanted to add excited emphasis is now used willy-nilly and unnecessarily, almost as often as the Bozos follow a sentence with that god-awful “LOL” acronym.

You do realize how infrequently somebody actually laughs out loud when they type that, right? OK, I’m usually laughing out loud and pointing at the screen, hollering, “Look at that complete goddamn moron! They probably fell out of the ‘I’m so dumb, my parents lie and say I was adopted tree’ and hit every branch on the way down! Hahaha!”

See? That’s how you use exclamation marks. I was quoting speech and because my ranting against the Bozos often means I’m yelling, the marks are used appropriately. However, outside of speech, they should be limited to one or two uses per page. They shouldn’t be used every other line or after each item in a list, or even because the author thinks they’re cute and add a little pep (idiots).

Yes, the Bozos get easily excited. Just a single fart or boner joke evokes a gale of laughter from the Bozos that would, if the scene were transcribed, merit several exclamation marks. For the rest of us who have matured to an age beyond our shoe size, let’s try to curb the exclamation mark use and set a good example for the Bozos.