The Grammar Grouch: -ward suffixes

It’s become a serious thorn in my grammarian side to hear the -ward suffix abused wantonly by the vast majority of Portland State Clown College Bozos whose conversations float into my ears as I walk across campus. Toward, forward, backward, afterward—these are the appropriate uses according to Associated Press Style, and most other American style guides.

Now, when employing British English, you can add an ‘s’ to any of those words. The Brits seem to love going towards the use of this suffix in a way that’s backwards to American English. All you Bozo chaps and hooligans out there, have a laugh and fancy the use of the -wards suffix.

However, since I write this column in a newspaper governed by AP Style, as most news outlets in our 50 states are, it’s never appropriate to use the -wards suffix. The next time some stoned freshman—and that big ol’ pot bust last week suggests there are too damn many of them around PSCC—says he likes walking backwards when he’s high within earshot of me, he’s going to endure a shrieking tirade about how moronic and unmotivated he is, courtesy of an offended Grouch.

If I hear another drunken, new-to-being-21-years-old Bozo bellowing “Go towards the goal!” during the NHL playoffs at the Cheerful Tortoise, I’ll break my pint glass on their skull. Worse is hearing some Bozo gal, complete with a tramp stamp tattoo and a face that looks as though a Mary Kay truck ran her over, rooting for Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic, saying their moving forwards in the NBA playoffs. I like to offer those Bozo gals $5 bills…perhaps K-Mart is having a sale on some dignity, and they could clearly stand to pick some up.

If you can’t learn to break your habit of appending that unnecessary ‘s’ to the -ward suffix, just stop talking. You’ll be doing yourself and anyone around you a favor.