The Internet is evil

The Player Guide

URL: www.fastseduction.com

Synopsis: Let me guess … you’re a guy, you haven’t an ice cube’s chance in hell to get so much as a look from a woman, let alone a date, and you’re lonely. What’s a boy to do?

Well, you could check out The Player Guide at www.fastseduction.com and get a lesson or two on how to score a chick.

Or not. I mean, “The Player Guide?” PLEASE. Even worse than the title, the site uses terms like “kinosthetics” and “ljbf” (that’s “let’s just be friends”) to instruct guys on how to meet girls. (Yes, “girls.” The word “women” was nowhere to be found on this Web site.)

Just check out the long, detailed articles on how to “close the deal” with a woman, which to these geniuses, means basically harassing them:

“(Go to) gourmet coffee shops to meet girls. Try and talk in detail about the different sensations and aromas of her drink. Women love descriptive talk, especially if it involves something that can even be compared to a sexual sensation. The whipped cream, the cherry on top, how the blend of the coffee with the different liqueurs reminds you of a hot and steamy Latin love dance stimulating your taste buds beyond comparison, etc.”

And how would this steamy choco-mocha-nut cappuccino FEEL draped across your crotch, Mr. Wonderful?

Honestly, the stuff these idiots tell you to do is more likely to get you a slap in the face than a phone number. You’re better off spending your time with your latest issue of Playboy than you would be if you tackle “The Player Guide.” Unless you WANT a restraining order.

Rating: 3 out of 10 bytes.

Tip King

URL: www.tipking.com

Synopsis: If there’s something society has accepted throughout time, it’s that our lives can always be better. It doesn’t matter how young, thin, happy, rich or satisfied you are, people are quick to tell you that there’s something you could be doing to make your existence more complete.

Enter the Tip King. This Web site offers advice on all kinds of stuff, whether it’s solving your clogged drain problems with baking soda and vinegar or eradicating those pesky zits by spreading aloe vera on them.

I guess some of the tips are useful. (“Lost an earring or bracelet down in the couch? Find it by putting a sock or stocking over the end of a vacuum and sweeping down in the cushions.”)

But most of the tips are no-brainers (“Remember that smoking is not permitted on planes on most domestic flights and is forbidden in some terminals!”), weird as hell (“It is a very hard habit to break once your chickens have got a taste for their own eggs. So a very simple tip is to actually feed them some rotten eggs.”), or just plain dubious (Cellulite removal tip: “Hold coffee grounds in place with kitchen wrap and allow it to stay on the cellulite for around 10 minutes. Rub over the kitchen wrap with a rolling pin to spread the cellulite out.)

Before you go shellacking yourself with coffee grounds, here’s a tip of my own: Stick to advice that doesn’t involve potential skin damage.

Rating: 6 out of 10 bytes.

Customers Suck

URL: www.customerssuck.com

Synopsis: If you’ve ever worked in a supermarket, retail store, restaurant or any kind of place where you have to interact directly with customers, you can probably remember days when you’ve been close to choking someone with your bare hands.

Namely, those god-awful customers.

Well someone out there feels your pain, and that’s why Customers Suck.com comes in. Whether it’s the guy who smells like cat pee and always pokes holes in the fruit, or the woman who hoards coupons then forgets to tell you about them after you’ve rung her up, or the couple with the spoiled brat kid who fills your working days with unstoppable wails, there’s now a place to put in writing how much you hate those customers.

I can remember when I worked at a pizza place how much I wanted to reach over the counter and wap the stupid customers with my spatula thingie. “How much is a slice?” they’d ask, neglecting to add WHAT kind of slice, and not bothering to glance at the jumbo-sized menu, complete with (gasp!) prices that was on the wall right in front of them. Too bad I didn’t know about this Web site back then, because I would’ve felt much better if I had read some of the customer hell some of these people go through.

For example? The girl who worked for a maid service and happened upon a rubber vagina when making a customer’s bed. Or the guy who worked at a pretzel booth who witnessed a mother put her mouth over her child’s nose to SUCK OUT her boogers and spit them into a napkin.

And you thought YOU were disgruntled.

Rating: 10 out of 10 bytes

Dogster

URL: www.dogster.com

Synopsis: Finally! Some justice.

Throughout my travails, I’ve reviewed a number of obsessive animal-lover Web sites, from MyCatHatesYou.com (that’s the one with the evil cat photo submissions) to Ferret.com (you know, your No. 1 source for ferret outerwear and accessories … and other things guaranteed to never get you a date once purchased).

And yet I always wondered: What about the dogs? But alas: Dogster! There is a dog! I mean, God!

An online hub that’s dog-lover friendly has surfaced, to my delight. Modeled after Friendster, that wildly popular people-connecting site, Dogster is where canine owners can dedicate a page to their pooch, complete with uploaded pictures. Other users can even search for dogs that live around their area so that their pups can socialize; like a doggie dating service. And I’ve GOT to give props to their non-kinky canine advice column, titled “I Like It Ruff.” Heh heh.

Loseriffic? Perhaps. Argh, OK, definitely. But as a dog-obsessed person, I’m not ashamed to say that I REALLY wanna make a page for my pooch. Even though I don’t own one right now.

Hmm … How wrong would it be to adopt a dog solely for the purpose of creating a cute-as-hell shrine, er, Web page for it?

Oh, God … What’s wrong with me?

Rating: 9 out of 10 bytes

Wacky Inventions

URL: www.colitz.com/wacky

Synopsis: I won’t dwell on the fact that the word “wacky” annoys me to no avail.

Instead, I’ll try to focus on the Web site du jour, a pretty ugly but interesting collection of the strangest and most unlikely inventions that have been patented through the ages.

Yeah, yawn.

Aw, come on. Give it a chance. I mean, aren’t you just a liiiiittle bit curious to know what an “annunciator for the supposed dead” is? How about a “tapeworm trap”? And why would anyone ever spend the money and time (not to mention shame) involved in patenting “nylon pantyhose treated with microencapsulated hair dissolving solution”?

For REAL.

Granted, most of these inventions were thought up and patented in the 1800s, a dark time in our history when people were obviously into making stupid inventions that didn’t work. Those crazy 19th century kooks!

But surprisingly, there are some ridiculous inventions that were made by people in more recent years. Like the “instant face lift” contraption invented in 1991, which pulls the skin around your face up with elastics wrapped around your head; or the “device for moistening the adhesive coating on postage stamps and envelopes,” complete with a fake wet tongue.

Yes, this is the world we live in. Get used to it.

Rating: 4 out of 10 bytes.

Utilikilts

URL: www.utilikilts.com

Synopsis: Richard Hatch wears one, and he won “Survivor.” Ever since, Utilikilts has become, according to its Web site, the best thing since sliced bread.

So, guys, why aren’t YOU jumping on the kilt bandwagon?

Who cares if they look just like skirts? You definitely can’t beat the freedom … I’m assuming.

Plus, the Web site has probably hundreds of pictures of satisfied _ not to mention very buff and manly _ customers standing proud in their Utilikilts, some of which come equipped with enough pockets to comfortably store a six pack. No kidding.

They also have a pretty funny “Top 100 Reasons why kilts rock” list, which, in case you’re curious, basically is composed of reasons involving the freedom of the you-know-whats down there, the beer pockets and other random thoughts, like “It’s easier to moon people,” “Even straight guys check me out!” and “I like to show off my calves.”

Yeah, it’s official. Utilikilts make me want to be a guy just so that I can swing free in a beer-packed skirt … ahem, kilt.

Rating: 7 out of 10 bytes.

Rate My Man Boobies

URL: www.ratemymanboobies.com

Synopsis: Oh yes. Rate My Man Boobies is real, much to the dismay of all the men out there who do have some dignity.

After visiting this site, I have developed a theory that all men have what I have dubbed “breast envy,” sort of the male equivalent of the Freudian “penis envy” that women supposedly hold.

��� ��

However, thanks to McDonald’s super-sized value meals and steady diets of hormone-pumped chicken, some men have been able to fulfill their mammary fantasies, while us women can’t garnish a penis unless we pay a surgeon thousands to do that.

And thankfully, because man, do I eat a lot of chicken!

“Man boobies,” as I will refer to them henceforth, are deemed a phenomenon that nature throws at us to let us know she isn’t just some stuck up snob without a sense of humor.

To some of the men stricken with man boobies, it’s no laughing matter. But to the guys you’ll see on this Web site, man boobies are something to be proud of, like that little league trophy or the day they sprouted their first hair “down there.” And wouldn’t you want to witness, and rate, those proud man boobies for yourself?

That’s what I thought.

Rating: 8 out of 10 bytes.