The Lookout

The world might be coming to an end. Yesterday, the United Nations Environment Program issued its fourth Global Environmental Outlook report within the past 10 years. The report, compiled by 388 experts (you know, scientists and people who know what they’re talking about), claims that there are currently not enough resources available to human beings to sustain them at their current rate of consumption.

Big deal. We won’t live to see the day when human beings become extinct. Let our kids worry about that. If you really are worried about the earth, encourage everyone you know to stop reproducing. When the population decreases, you won’t have to change your wasteful, polluting consumption habits.

The overview: It would be pretty shitty if the world let this report, which the U.N. is calling a “wake-up call,” go unnoticed.

MTV has recently introduced yet another dating show and this time, the object of lust is Tila Tequila. Who is that you ask? Well, she is a vapid bitch (for lack of a better term) who became the first “MySpace celebrity.” She’s also bisexual. The show, entitled A Shot at Love, has a group of guys (straight) and a group of girls (lesbians) vying for the affection of Tila. But why they might be doing that is a mystery. Tila looks a bit like E.T.–but with giant tits. And she’s annoying. And she’s dumb. And, most importantly, she isn’t even rich. It is quite perplexing.

The overview: Someone has to date Ms. Tequila; just be glad it isn’t you.

Your prior knowledge of cavemen needs to be amended. Reuters reported this week that Neanderthals might have been capable of sophisticated speech and, on another note, some of them might have been redheads. Through recent DNA tests, scientists have found a gene in Neanderthals linked to skin and hair color that matches a gene found in humans with red hair. This means Neanderthals might have looked more similar to, and even conversed with, early human beings.

The overview: Scientists wonder why the two species never mated, but we think it’s because cavemen were ug-ly.

It’s the end of October, but the boys of summer are still hard at work. The Boston Red Sox and Colorado Rockies are currently slugging it out in the World Series. Here’s what you need to know: the Sawx are going to win their second title in four years, proving once and for all that there is no curse. No doubt this latest victory will spur even more annoying bandwagon fans to buy green jerseys and pink hats. Gag me.

The overview: Pray for a quick end to the Series so FOX will stop running those horrendous Dane Cook ads.

Duh! As if we didn’t know that Dumbledore was gay. After publishing the last of seven books in the Harry Potter series this summer, J.K. Rowling keeps on doling out information about Harry, his merry group of wizards and their apparently gay headmaster. Now, she’s writing a Potter encyclopedia that will probably receive just as wide a release as any of her Potter books. Come on, Rowling. Who do you think you are? J.R.R. Tolkien did exactly what you’re trying to do–50 years ago. He wrote about a million encyclopedia entries for The Lord of the Rings, and he had a gray-haired gay wizard way before you were even born. The Lord of the Rings moviemakers even found an actor who is actually gay to play Gandolf (Ian McKellen). Dumbledore (played by Michael Gambon) just lies to innocent reporters about being gay. Please, Rowling. Try to be a little bit original.

The overview: J.K. Rowling wishes she were J.R.R. Tolkien. Not gonna happen. She doesn’t even have as many abbreviated letters as him!

Maybe you’ve heard, but Southern California is going up in flames. The worst of the blazes is raging around the San Diego area, and over half a million people have been displaced from their homes. There isn’t really a joke to be had here because basically, this just really, really sucks.

The overview: If your house had just burned down, would a visit from President Bush really make you feel better?