The new accessory

    Do you ever feel behind the times? Wonder why all the hottest trends and up-to-the-minute styles seem to be passing you by? Well, now you too can be all decked out like a movie star. Just have an infant! These cute, cuddly little accessories are easy to make, completely unique and will make sure all eyes are focused where they should be – on YOU.

    It used to be that having a baby meant that a woman gave up her youth and spent the next few decades dedicating her life to her needy little spawn. But now, with advances in baby monitors and foreign nannies, you can experience motherhood just as nature intended – whenever it’s convenient for you! You might not have a movie contract or several million in the bank, but you can still live like a star.

    Babies are basically the new teacup Chihuahuas. They’re like pugs, only much, much cuter. Best of all, you can hire a trainer/handler for your baby so that you don’t have to deal with nasty things like bottles, diapers and spit. They take considerably more time and energy to take care of than most dogs, but it’s totally worth it when you see the envious looks in the eyes of your friends and enemies.

    The first important thing about getting a baby of your very own is picking out a name. Keep in mind that you want your baby to have a really special, unique name. Use the following handy guide to name your little fashion statement:

    -Fruits: Sure, Gwyneth Paltrow has Apple, but have you ever met a Mango? How about a Rhubarb? Save your baby from schoolyard taunts by naming her Orange – nothing rhymes with it. Take that, you brats!

    -Biblical prophets and other figures: We’ve all met an Adam, a John or a Michael. But how about Yaphet? Lamech? Hosea? Think about it.

    -Something completely out there: If Frank Zappa could name his kids Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Ahmet and Dweezil, you can come up with something suitably "different" for your offspring. How about Mandolin Agoraphobia? Or Catastrophe Contusion? Just pick some neat-sounding words and go wild.

    The second most important thing to keep in mind is to pick a really, really attractive partner with whom to mingle your genetic material. This isn’t as important as the name thing, because there’s always plastic surgery if the kid looks funny. But still, it’s best to get it right the first time. So, girls, make sure your sperm donor is, like, really, really cute. And guys, don’t plant your man-seed in chubby soil.

    Can’t have a baby of your own? That 600-calorie-a-day diet keeping you from ovulating? Don’t be discouraged, you can always adopt! Many Third World countries are simply brimming with orphans for you to bring home. This bold fashion statement becomes even bolder when the baby is African or Asian or some other strange color. If you find the cutest baby, the one you know would look best held against your favorite pink sweater, but it isn’t actually an orphan, be like Madonna and take the kid anyway. People will admire your moxie.

    Once you acquire your adorable little accoutrement, be sure to get into super-duper good shape right away. You should be spending at least six hours a day at the gym just as soon as your C-section stitches come out. You should aim for a weight about 10 pounds less than you did before you got preggers, just to prove to everyone that you, not the little poop factory, are in control of your destiny.

    Don’t ever wear ugly, baggy clothes. Giving birth is no excuse to be unfashionable. And whatever you do, don’t breast-feed (unless you want people to call you SaggyTits McUgly.) They make stuff for babies to drink, so you don’t have to let some creepy baby touch your ta-tas.

    Make sure that little Passionfruit Horticulture is always dressed up in super-cute infant couture. Remember, this is all about making you look good, so be sure that the baby coordinates well with whatever you’re wearing each day. If the baby thing simply isn’t working with your outfit, hand the little bugger off to its handler and go shopping on your own. You’ll come back refreshed and with new ideas for how the baby can set off your style.