The QB Snap – Buzz from Portland State’s Queen Bee Ryan W. Klute

Welcome to Portland State University! I am Ryan and I will be your housing tour guide today! Don’t you just love my fake smile and bubbly attitude? Couldn’t you just hit me in the fucking face? Don’t worry about it friends, I would rather shit myself than give another tour to your fat asses right now!

Instead of walking around for an hour, let me explain that if your kid was a little fat, socially awkward, not great at sports or pretty much a little bit of a fucktard in high school, he is going to fit in just fine here. What’s that? Your son was a varsity baseball player for his shitty high school team? That’s fucking fantastic. We have awkward locker-room circle jerks here at PSU too. He’s going to be just fine!

OK, let’s get going! We’re walking, we’re walking, we’re walking, and now we’re stopping. Did you like my obscure reference to the movie Dave? Aren’t I so clever you could just fuck me?

Oh, look, here is the Ondine building. You will spend your freshmen year here having awkward sex. And when I say “sex,” I actually mean your first gay experience awkwardly feeling up your dormmate when you both had too much Nyquil and Red Bull. Awesome! We recently painted the outside of the building to make it appear nicer, but don’t worry, it’s still shitty and smells like dead hookers inside.

But for real, perhaps you should avoid getting blazed on the roof of the Ondine with your RAs because stupid kids like you will get yourself killed. And then the rest of us have to pretend for a week that we are sad and go to a big assembly with shitty coffee. No really, a dude carried his dog with him up the fire escape and when the dog slipped, the pothead jumped right after him. Those two hit 14 floors of metal stairs on the way down.

Have you ever seen the TV show CSI? Do you even know how big body parts are when they grate through 140 feet of metal steps? Think about it.

Yes, you’re right, it might be a good idea to live near the ground floors. That is, if you like living in shit. And I don’t mean sub-par conditions, I actually mean smelly, oily, fetid poop. Your upper-floor friends’ flushings, on occasion, overflow from the toilets on the lower floors! That’s right, you could wake up late for Freshmen Inquiry and step out of bed and slip into the shit of 200 other people! Too bad you are forbidden to burn scented candles!

It’s true. The Broadway building seems much nicer. That is if you think stabbings are nicer. Perhaps you can trade the filth of the Ondine for a deep flesh wound like the three people who were stabbed there a few years ago. But don’t worry: they healed… eventually.

Look at the beautiful view from the showroom’s windows! Did that nice view keep you from noticing the rug that is duct-taped to the floor? When the dude who used to live here died, it took them so long to find his body that it melted onto the floor! That’s right, nothing hides a stain left over from a puddle of human like a $14 Ikea rug. Go Vikings!

Sure, you can live off-campus. That building used to be the Ione Plaza and now it’s the Vue. It’s nice, as long as you don’t mind living next to people who are over 80 and go to bed at 7 p.m. Have you ever been written up for a noise violation for using your can opener too loudly? Welcome to the Vue! Also, this doesn’t happen too often, but people sometimes fall down your ventilation shafts from the roof. As long as you feel comfortable with telling yourself “that smell” is a dead squirrel and not your former neighbor, then this place is for you!

No, you’re right, you can’t beat the location. It’s too bad that the Park Blocks are basically a graveyard for homeless people. I don’t blame them. If I were homeless and going to die, I would “pass-on” in front of overpriced apartments too. Plus, you can see our famous sky bridge system right out your windows! I bet you could have even made eye contact with the dude who jumped from them a few years back. It’s OK, moms and dads, he was fine. Until the cars hit him. Then he was dead. We’re walking, we’re walking…